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It’s okay to be sad, but it’s not okay to always be sad.

Life is beautiful and we should always be grateful to have been given the chance to experience all that life has to offer, but let’s face it. Life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. There are days when all that surrounds us is pitch black  and we can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel. In these instances, people have different ways of coping. Most people I know try to just shrug it off, thinking that maybe if they try hard enough to ignore it, the sadness would just go away. They refuse to give in to sadness, refuse to let the tears fall, refuse to admit that they are sad. I envy these people and their positivity. Why can’t I be more like them? That would make my life so much easier.

I may be the most emotional person I know. I cry when I’m happy and I cry when I’m sad. I don’t know how to fake a smile and I definitely don’t know how to fake being happy. Sometimes, it is hard. Most people see it as being dramatic, they say I’m too fragile and too sensitive. All they see are the emotions but they don’t bother understanding the reason behind it. I do think it’s okay because whether they do understand or not, what’s more important is that I understand myself. I don’t see my emotions as a weakness. In fact, it is my strenght. During my share of dark days, I often let my sadness take over me, for it is then that I understand myself more and my situation, the reason that I’m sad and what needs to be done to make this sadness just temporary, because that’s how it should be, temporary. It’s okay to be sad but what makes it so bad is if you let it be your way of life. Don’t let sadness become a habit. Cry it out, scream, let it out of your system. In my case, I let it flow through my poetry (that’s why all of them are sad).  Keeping it in for way too long makes it a part of you, seeping in your every vein, crowding in your lungs until it gets too hard for you to breath.

I may not be a very positive person, but I always try to let all my emotions out so I don’t end up a very unhappy one.

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2020 in random thoughts

 

Define Your Own Philosophy

“I am sad because life sucks. My life sucks”, she cried.”Why do you need to be sad if life sucks. You know what? Life sucks because you learn the blues and not the yellows”, I replied.

“What does that mean?” She sobbed.”We become tough as a stone while what life teaches us to flow like a river”, I said.

“I don’t get it. If life throws lemons at you, you can’t feel sweetness. Right. That’s an old saying”, she said.”Fuck the old saying. Listen to what I have to say”.”Hmmmmm”.

“Why doesn’t one become good to people because once he was mistreated and he knows how it feels? Why doesn’t he become appreciative of others because once he was insulted? Why doesn’t he become empathetic towards others because he was hurt once?Why doesn’t he stop judging people because once he was judged by others? Why doesn’t he become more understanding of others because once he was misunderstood and bitched about? Why doesn’t he become more giving because he didn’t receive the love and care from the people he deeply loved once? Why doesn’t he become sweet because he knows what bitterness is and how he felt once when people were bitter towards him.

I am bitter because my girlfriend left me. I am angry because my friends didn’t care for me. I am rude because no matter how good I was with people I was betrayed in the end. I am cruel because people have hurt me and have never turned around to look if I am alright. Why? Why carry their dark sides and learn the negative feelings? Why don’t you learn from your own sufferings? Why do you have to carry the legacy of those who did bad things to you. If you would keep doing that the world would never be a better place to live in. You don’t need to read Socrates and Aristotle to know about life’s philosophy. They never read others. Pay attention to your own life and don’t do those things to others because of which you suffered a great deal once. Because life gave you lemons once you don’t need to squirt it in the eyes of others. Swallow the lemon(like Shiva swallowed the venom) and learn the lesson to make it a point that you wouldn’t become like one but you would spread the light because you knew once what darkness felt like. 

 
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Posted by on April 20, 2020 in random thoughts

 

Mistakes


Everyone’s made mistakes. You can’t deny this and say you’ve never made one because nobody besides God is perfect. It’s human nature to make mistakes and there’s no way to avoid it, but mistakes aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact they’re good. They may not seem like it at the time that it happens, but they are. They’re good because learning experiences come from mistakes. The only way to learn what you did wrong and how to prevent it next time, is to do wrong. Unfortunately there are some mistakes you’ll never get the chance to correct. As much as you wish you could correct them some mistakes are permanent. These are the mistakes you need to learn from so you don’t make them again. My  biggest mistake was hurting the only girl I’ve ever been in love with and letting her go.  I’m about to tell you all the story of this mistake and what I’ve learned from it. Don’t expect a happy ending because I haven’t even got one yet, but I can see life starting to head that way but even that won’t be a happy ending, just a new beginning.

Back In 2008 I saw a girl that I’ve never seen before at school and from that moment on I knew she was what I wanted. As soon as I saw her I leaned over and asked a girl in my class who she was and she proceeded to tell me. Little did I know I’m friends with one of the new girls friends. Her friend literally told me a day before that the new girl thought I was cute. So I got her number and we texted a little bit which lead to us talking in class, well me trying to talk, but her being really shy she didn’t say much. Nothing really sprouted from this at first. Then we started talking more and more and I started developing feelings. Now, she was showing no interest really so I got involved with this other girl, and that didn’t work out well at all. When that ended the new girl started showing a little more and I mean a little interest. So of course we started communicating more, she wouldn’t chill with me or anything but we talked in class everyday. So my feelings were getting stronger and stronger throughout first semester but she still showed minimum interest in me. Since she was showing little interest I thought I’d do somethings to catch her attention. I did some questionable things that I regret, involving trying to get with her friends, kissing maybe one, maybe two of her friends. Which of course she got mad about, this showed me she at least cared a little bit.

Second semester rolled around and I’m all in, I know this is the girl God sent for me it’s without a doubt who I want. She was still shy and she still got nervous around me which I found really cute. We ended up having a class together. I asked her to prom in front of the class and she thought I did it to embarrass her, so she said no and switched out of the class. After that I figured she still wasn’t interested in me so I continued messing with other girls which evidentially made her even more mad than she already was and pushed her away. We eventually got to a solid point in the relationship where both of us having feelings was established. Later on when I realized I loved her, or so I thought at the time I told her. She didn’t say it back. All her friends were telling her lies and some truths about me and also told her I wasn’t a good guy and that she should stay away. Which at that point in my life I wasn’t, I can admit that. Due to this she had lost all trust in me and didn’t believe anything I said because of my past mistakes. She had moved on shortly after and was talking to someone else. I was heartbroken and the whole second half of my senior year was ruined. I was more depressed than I had ever been. Every time I saw her I felt sick to my stomach, teary eyed, and a feeling of sadness just sat in. Every day I would attempt to talk to her and try to make things right. I’d go to her games, try to talk to her in lunch, by her locker, and text her. Nothing worked. Occasionally she would start talking to me but would remember all the wrong I did to her and change her mind quickly.

I left for college in the fall, I thought for sure all of that would be in my past and that it was done. I was wrong. I got through most of the first semester of college without talking to her and was doing fine. One weekend second semester I went home. I was on the way home and I heard one of the songs I showed her, every time I heard that song I thought of her, still do. So I texted her to get dinner and she was down, it was a double date with my friend and his girl. So we went to dinner and she was flirting, holding my hand, and telling me she missed me. That night ended and I asked her to hangout the next night and she was down again, so her, her friend, and I went to eat where her friend’s boy worked. After he got off and we got done eating we drove around and she told me she still loved me. Of course I still loved her so I told her I still loved her too. They ended up needing a place to stay so they stayed with us two. I had never been happier  than I was that night just holding her. So we got up early the next morning and I left for Atlanta. She didn’t talk to me much that weekend hardly at all actually, so I asked what was up, she told me she didn’t mean anything she said when we hung out and to leave her alone. All that just ripped from me. Being told you’re loved and having it ripped from you is one of the worst feelings ever. I was so depressed I took a week off from college just so I’d be home because I didn’t want to be by myself. She told me I needed to move on and there was no chance of us happening and that she didn’t love me anymore. Then a few weeks later told me she had never loved me.

We never truly dated but I was unfaithful, filling her head with lies, and not being patient with her. I hurt the girl I cared about more than anything. I learned a lot though from the mistakes of this relationship. First, you have to give people and relationships time, some people are slow to open up and you have to respect that. Don’t just assume they don’t like you because they have their walls up. Second, everyone deserves someone that’s faithful if you don’t have intentions of being faithful don’t waste their time. Third, fight for those you love and let them know you care every chance you get. You never know when you might lose them. Fourth, always be honest to the person you’re in a relationship with, they will find out the truth, and it’s going to be better for you if they hear the truth from you first. Last, never depend on someone else for your happiness. Doing this gives the other person too much power in the relationship and they will abuse it. Rely on God and yourself for your happiness.

It’s been almost three years since then and every time I come home I end up seeing her wherever I go. I talk to her occasionally but it’s just checking up. I know it’s over and I’m okay with it. I have gotten over being hurt and feeling the depression I had once felt by filling my heart with God’s love and letting him lead me down the right path. With God I feel uplifted and like a new person. I know she wasn’t the one God has sent for me and if she is I know he’ll lead me to her again. I just pray she finds someone who treats her better than I ever did, which shouldn’t be hard. She’ll probably see this scrolling through twitter or her friends will send it to her making fun of me. I’ll probably get judged by many people especially ones who know  who this is about, but so be it. Everyone has that someone that has a hold on them and that they’ll always love and she was it for me. I just wanted to make the story of my toughest relationship public so hopefully someone who may be going through the same thing or has gone through the same thing knows they’re not alone.

 
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Posted by on April 14, 2020 in random thoughts

 

Welcome Back

I saw her today, briefly at a glance,
In my typical rush of woe day
I am not sure whether she intended it
After quiet disappearance amidst the crowd
Silence between us took a toll on me, i shall not deny
How often can a man get stimulated mentally
in this day and age of plastic cards and paper trails
Everyone is in a rush somewhere with their missed calls
But i loved our brief moments, walking the black sands
Just being…
And so today, it was a great surprise again
I wondered…
Did i scream too loud into the universe last night?
I missed our good conversations
Anyway, she is back somehow, somewhere… there
I am happy to know she is alive and with kind thoughts
Giving me a sign, presence of his silver lining
Whether intended or not , i briefly saw her
At a glance, passing by in her brisk walk
Right by my corner, right then i felt my smile again .. thank you so much my friend
Welcome back to our black sands

 
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Posted by on April 2, 2020 in random thoughts

 

The Propsal

“I cant be with u forever.”she whisperd closing her eyes. “Why are u saying that?”he bellowed holding her shaking in his arms. He kissed on the top of her head gathering the bundle of misres in his hands. “No…No”she whimpered pushing him away with her hands.
“What happened?”he held her arms more closer to himself. She traced his tear striken face with her trembling fingers feeling the pain she infused.
“I cant..I am destroying you.”she blinked her tears from her eyes, the eyes which she never used.
“I love you fool !”he yelled as she rubbed the tears from his face which she never saw. “You can’t destroy your life looking after me.” she hussed struggling to free from his grip
“You are my life.” he smiled sadly. She heaved sighly.
“I can’t be a burden on you.”she felt his grip loosen. Although she wanted that to happen her heart wished opposite.
Damm this love!!!!
“Oh!! so you think I have sympathy for you?” she heard his voice, once the happy voic,
she remained silent
“Listen” he reached before her tucking the hair perfectly. He love those hair of her
“Please. !”she yelled moving sideways only to get hurt on her head.
“Ahhhh!! ” she winced
“Shit cant you see?” he regretted this words “Thats the point I am blind and I m a trouble on you” she groaned tears pouring out of her eyes
“I love you still !” he brushed the wound to clean it with sleeves of his shirt.
“Why ??” she sobbed.
“Love, it is unreasonable..you feel in love in most unexpected time..as I feel for you” she heard his cheerful voice hitting her ears. meanwhile he kneeled down on his knees and said “Baby,I love you from my core of my heart. would you be my better half, would you be grow old with me, would you be at every step of my life with me, would you be my soulmate?” At last she listened to her heart n nodded and that moment she felt cold solid ring between her finger.
“I am your light that guides your way” he whispered moving his lips down and their lips met as he absorbed in her agonies gifting her a shimmering tale to adore vapourizing her insecurities with his love….

 
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Posted by on March 18, 2020 in random thoughts

 

When Two Damaged People Love Each Other

These are the ways we love each other.

We are sitting in the same room, not talking. You are playing video games and killing dark things on screen, whilst I am writing away every violent memory that has crept through my mind in the last ten minutes. There is no pressure of conversation. There is no necessity in this. It is simply being and we are both dealing with our demons in our own ways. The difference is, we understand that – without talking about it.

We are leaving a restaurant in the middle of Delhi (C.P), after a beautiful day and I see her, the girl who haunts my memories. My whole body withers in fear and as you look up in her direction, she is gone like she was never there, just a memory. You wrap your arm around me as we walk, not asking any questions just understanding. Later, Facebook reminds you of a memory you would much rather forget, and as I pull you close into a hug, I can feel the storm shaking inside your body.

We are in a Doctor’s office and you’re silent. I know how much you hate it here and how everything about this place makes you need to hold the broken pieces of you together even more fiercely. I touch your hand and you look up at me, lost, then look away again. The silence isn’t the problem. The memories are, and it takes someone who hates being in this room as much as you do understanding that. You say to me “I’m sorry I brought you with me.” I smile and squeeze your hand tight. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I didn’t fall in love with you because you were perfect. I fell in love with you because you were so honest and you never ever hid your damage.

We are lying in bed, both wide awake, not sleeping. Caught between nightmares and the moon, the Sandman has forgotten us completely. After a while of restless shifting, you get up and go to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I stay in bed and watch the ghosts of our pasts shift in our bed, waiting for you to return. When you do, we chase them away with a midnight film – an old black and white movie. We both know that getting up tomorrow is going to be a pain, that we will be exhausted at work – but there is no fighting insomnia when it is immersed in our bodies so deeply.

Some days, we look at each other like we are about to say something and then stop – almost as if the clock in our heads have told us not to speak about it yet. The difference is, there is no pressure to speak about it until we are ready.

You see, the way we love is different because we are broken. Whilst others love in flowers and songs and conversation, we love in silence and helping each other pick up the pieces. Our love is a quiet journey in healing. Our love is where we wait for the other to fix themselves and help them grow slowly.

You see, we are damaged, so we love a bit differently. These ways in which we say ‘I love you’ aren’t perfect. But they are balm for healing, a balm for dark memories.

You once asked me, “How can you love something as broken and damaged and unhinged as me?”

It’s easy, my darling, you are damaged and broken and unhinged. But so are shooting stars and comets.

 
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Posted by on March 7, 2020 in random thoughts

 

Reach For You


It’s the middle of the night and that anxious feeling is eating a hole through my stomach- it’s as if all the trauma of the world are just echoes of my own trauma, and I don’t know how any of this can be ok. I want to reach out to you, but I don’t want to rob you of the precious reprieve that is sleep- in slumber we’re all safe from the horrors that lurk around every corner, and haunt the doorways of every door. Tonight my heart is pounding, breaking, fading, and I don’t want to be a burden to you. But I tentatively reach out and find you are there, like you always are. You’re a safe place where I can put down all my anguish, you’re loving arms where I can rest. But sometimes I find it hard to believe that it won’t all disappear. If life has taught me anything, it’s that nothing can be trusted. I stomp down on you to make sure you’re solid- you don’t budge one bit, but you bleed and silent tears find their way to your chin. And I’m sorry, you know, I’m so sorry. My fence-checking is brutal. I have no excuse. I seem to hurt what I love to make sure it’s safe and solid. Like taking a bat to a tank just to make sure. I know that I’ve done the wrong thing- I always wear my mistakes openly. I don’t shy away from what is my responsibility to claim and rectify. And you know, if I could take it back, I would. But somehow you seem to understand. You wear scars of a similar design, only you never sink to dark places- you simply trust I am solid because I say so. But I’m the tester. I’m the deplorable checker. I’m the one who can’t believe in the ground beneath my feet or the air in my lungs, without proof. I’m the inexcusable. I’m the trauma-coated dry wall with a hole punched in it. And you’re…
Simply tender. Effortlessly loving. I wish I could be more like you. But sometimes I find myself crouched in the shadows, snarling at things that aren’t there. And how am I supposed to trust that I feel loved, when I’m not even sure what that’s like. How do I prepare myself for ruin, if my guards come down all the way. Even the broken pieces are broken, and there’s not much left to salvage. But what there is, is all that I have.How can I believe you won’t turn these broken shards to dust, and just leave me hollowed-out? I have always fled before it could reach that bitter point upon the horizon. I’m a runner with soles worn all the way through. And now you’re asking me to take off my running shoes, and stay in one place with you. And you know, I think I could, stay. With you. But I’m not really sure what that would be like, but I know what I see in my mind’s eye. It could be beautiful, if I could trust in it. And my trust is expensive and rare. I just need your soul in exchange. Nothing more. I promise.
I wake to find anxiousness feasting on my guts, and you know, I didn’t want to be a burden. But I reached out for you to find you were there. Whenever I reach out for you, you are there. Now if only you could do that, unfailing, forever. I might begin to believe that you’re not going anywhere. But when I call to you, you answer. When I reach out for you, you are there. I’m trying not to runaway, but it feels so safe to disappear…

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2020 in random thoughts

 
 
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