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Moment of Love

Time freezes, the world stops and life momentarily ceases to exist.. Everyone and everything seems to disappear and all that is left is you and I.. Nothing else seems to matter anymore, nothing else seems important.. As I stand here frozen somewhere between space and time I begin to crave your body, I wish to make it mine.. As you strip for me and lay back on the bed a million nasty thoughts of what I’m about to do to you run swiftly through my head.. You motion me to come closer with your finger and bite your lip, and I try my best not to become lost in your eyes. As I rip my clothes off and crawl onto the bed positioning my hips right between your thighs. Forcing your legs up in the air a bit so your feet wrap around my waist. I lean down to kiss your lips and you wrap your arms around my neck pulling me in closer, I kiss my way down to your neck making my way to your chest.. Teasing you with my tongue, sucking them causing them to become erect. I feel you start to whine your hips against mine, teasing me with your wetness I feel it and start to throb and become stiff between my legs. Longing, craving to be inside of you.. I take your hands and lock your fingers together so I can pin your arms above your head with one hand, and with the other, I reach down and start to guide myself in your tight, dripping aquafina. At first driving you crazy as I tease you with just the tip, flicking it back and forth stimulating your already sensitive clit.. As I penetrate you I reach up and grab your neck forcing you to look me in my eyes, careful not to blink even for a second so I can see the expression on your face as I go deeper inside you slowly, forcing you to take every inch.. You resist the urge to roll your eyes back and all you can do is moan and bite your lips.. As I press my hips up against the back of your thighs reaching as deep as I can go I lean in to kiss your lips once more, thrusting myself slowly in and out of your tight pussy and every time I do I feel your walls clench a little tighter around my cock.. Your arms still wrapped around my neck I feel your nails dig deep into my flesh, the pain mixed with pleasure is enough to drive me insane, I feel myself losing control.. Lifting your legs back more bending your knees till they touch your chest, my hands gripping tightly on the back of your thighs as I keep looking in your eyes increasing the speed and length of my strokes.. Your moans get louder until they turn to screams, my name escaping from your lips when you can no longer hold it in.. “Fuck Baby keep going just like that baby you’re gonna make me cum, this Sugar Walls is gonna cum for you ..” Like music to my ears your words simply run right through me almost as if you aren’t speaking to me at all, but instead speaking to my soul.. Leaning into you again to kiss your lips one last time, your legs pressed back still, your body trapped underneath me and completely at my mercy.. Its as if the spark of our kiss ignites a fuse and the countdown to your release begins.. Your legs begin to shake and your nails dig deeper into my skin, your moans slip out from between our lips locked together and you flex every muscle in your body.. Everything stops, my heart feels as though for a moment it does not beat, and then it happens, you release..My head on your chest, feeling your heart beat so fast as if it is trying to escape from your body.. Using the last of your strength to wrap your arms around me and run your fingers through my hair.. As I kiss and lick the sweat from your skin, still trying to catch my breath as I breath you in.. My lips pressed firmly against your flesh my eyes closed but I do not fall asleep, I’d rather stay awake and enjoy the warmth if your embrace, this is better than my dreams..

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Posted by on January 22, 2019 in random thoughts

 

How do you deal with feelings of writer jealousy?

We’ve all been there.

Your classmate’s story is praised in workshop, while yours is torn apart.

“Poorly written” romances dominate best-seller lists, while your science fiction novel languishes in Amazon’s 2,000,000 ranking spot.

The author you follow on Instagram posts their third cover reveal this year, while you struggle to finish your manuscript.

There’s a thousand ways that we writers experience jealousy of other authors. We constantly compare ourselves to our peers in writing groups, our Internet friends, or the hallowed greats like Stephen King. We long for the secret to their success. How do they write a first draft so quickly? How do they have so many Pinterest followers? Where do they find time to publish and write a daily blog?

We take other writers’ successes as inherent failures in ourselves as creatives.

Let me get personal for a minute. Throughout graduation and post graduation , I longed to be a writer, but I hardly ever wrote. I seethed with self-loathing and jealousy in equal amounts. As I became more entwined in the literary community, I saw myself in competition with other aspiring writers. With each person’s success, I thought one more seat on the bus to authordom had been snatched from me. Around senior year of college, I finally wised up.

But others I know didn’t. I’ve lost friends over jealousy and unnecessary feelings of competition. I’ve had close friends flat-out ignore my writing career. I’ve had acquaintances insult or downplay my abilities in order to praise their own. It sucks. It hurts. And I don’t want it to happen to anyone else.

Why do we feel jealousy?

Easy: because other writers have what we want. Be it a publishing contract, a movie deal, or even just a finished manuscript, if you want it, some writer has already accomplished it. When I used to see a more successful writer, I would instantly translate that into: “Well, shit. I’m so far behind. I’m never going to amount to anything.” OR “They don’t deserve X. They just got lucky. Why can’t anyone see what a talentless hack they are?”

The good news? I don’t ride either of those thought trains anymore. In fact, the moment I feel a twinge of jealousy, I actually get really excited. Why?

Because when channeled properly, jealousy can be a force for good.

The positive side of jealousy

Jealousy and competition are natural human feelings. If you acknowledge them and channel their energy into something positive, it can be motivating for you. The next time you feel jealous, take a moment to deconstruct your emotions and get down to what’s really bothering you. But don’t stop there: make a plan to fix the real issue so that this doesn’t happen again.

Here is how my jealous moments play out now:

  1. Address the feeling: Okay, Ajay. You’re feeling jealous.
  2. Forgive yourself: That’s okay! You’re human. It happens.
  3. Find the “what:” Let’s see. I’m jealous that this author started writing a book after me, but is publishing it before I publish mine.
  4. Find the “why:” I wish my book were ready to publish.
  5. Take responsibility and make a plan: Well, what can you do to make that happen? How about we turn off Netflix and do some revising? Let’s eat out one less night a week so we can afford an editor. Let’s stop being nervous and contact the cover designer.
  6. Ride the high: Awesome, I know exactly what to do! I just have to be patient and work hard. I’m going to write right now.

Ways to handle jealousy

Notice this section is not titled “ways to quit being jealous.” That’s probably never going to happen. There will always be someone more successful than you. There will always be something you want that someone else has already achieved. But, there are ways to handle your jealousy in a healthy manner.

Act in opposition to your feelings. A writer friend on Facebook posts that they’ve signed with an agent? Like the post or write a supportive comment. At first, you can console yourself with the smug satisfaction that you were “the bigger person” in the competition your mind constructed. Eventually, your gut reaction will change to genuine excitement for them. I promise.

Figure out how they did it. I want to be Joanna Penn so bad it hurts. She writes kick-ass fiction books, super-helpful nonfiction books, and is a beloved authority figure in the self-publishing community. But instead of hating her and avoiding her, I follow her progress. I read her books. I read the articles she posts. And you know what? I’m learning how to create a career like hers, one step at a time.

Do something about it. If you have a moment of jealousy, then you know what you want. It frustrates you that your writer friend has a finished book and you don’t? Go write your damn book. That Twitter author has better sales than you? Read up on book marketing and business strategy, arrange advertising or book reviews, or publish more books. Outside circumstances may prevent you from achieving 100% of your goals, but if you’re not putting 100% of possible effort in, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Remember that someone out there is jealous of you. If there is someone ahead of you, then there must be someone behind you. Maybe you don’t make enough money to write full-time yet, but there is a writer out there who has only one book published who envies your five-book series. Moreover, the person of whom you are jealous was once in your position. Keep it all in perspective.

Be kind to yourself. Often, jealousy goes hand-in-hand with feelings of inadequacy. If you are nicer to yourself throughout the entire creative process (keeping your inner critic quiet during drafting, forgiving yourself for missing your word count goal on a busy day, etc.), your self-respect will grow. When it is healthy and happy, you are less likely to be dragged down by bitterness.

And if all else fails? Step away from the situation and eat some ice cream. It really does make everything better.


How do you deal with feelings of writer jealousy? What do your moments of jealousy reveal about your goals? Share your experiences in the comments.

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2019 in random thoughts

 

From Pizza with Love

I munched the cheese sandwich and forced it down my throat. It tasted like cardboard and I could literally feel it passing over to my empty stomach. My thoughts were occupied by an infuriating girl.
It had been that way since the day I met her. I could feel the tears collecting over my eyelashes. I missed her. I missed her smell. I missed her eyes. I missed her voice. Hell, I even missed the sound of her breath. It had been two solid days, since we last spoke. The two greatest things that life had given me was: her love and football. So, I tried to distract myself by indulging my body and mind with football. But football couldn’t keep her off my mind. I was out of focus the entire time I spent at the field. My teammates seemed to be disappointed with my performance, I myself felt disappointed with it, but I couldn’t help it. All my attempts to forget her ended up in vain. So I finally gave up and spent my every second of every day with her thoughts hovering my mind. Her presence made me feel alive, it made me a better version of myself. I was madly in love with her. Her eyes held a spark that no girl could possibly have. Even thinking about it made me feel alive. It made me feel sense, sense of what an idiot I was to let her go. That sense made me feel disgusted over myself for sitting and munching a bad cheese sandwich and feeling depressed that she left me instead of trying to get her back. She was my life, how could I live without her?
I made up my mind that I simply could not live in depression and quickly got up from the chair and walked towards the garage. I could hear my mother’s distant voice asking me what I was upto. I didn’t bother to reply, I just waved my hands at her, signalling a bye and drove the car out. It took me a while to realize that her anger on me was at its peak. I had to do something that would make her forget the anger. I tried to recall the million moments she and I shared together, searching for that one thing which will make her get out off the anger. Then, it striked to me, food. She loves eating. I wanted to make that whole apology scenario a little funny, yet it must prove my point. It must show how sorry I was. I ran through the events that happened that day, from eating a sandwich to feeling depressed to thinking about her eyes to the spark that made me feel sense. She encouraged me into that and suddenly, I felt how lucky I was to have met her. I could not let her go and I will not. My mind got out of the thought process and started jotting down the endless list of food items she loved the most. I tried to pick a few which held an emotional or memorable meaning to both of us and the obvious answer was, pizza. Our first date was to a pizza place. I recalled the way her face lit up when the waiter had placed the dish on our table. She savoured each and every mouth of it, her face etched with a smile throughout the entire evening. I even remember how she politely thanked the waiter for serving us. I fell for her madly, that day.
I drove my way to the same pizza place and placed an order for a customized pizza. I asked them to add all the toppings I knew she’d love. I payed for the pizza and left the place. I then drove to an English Café known for it’s cheese cakes. She was the one who brought me there first and I instantly got addicted to the taste of the cheese cake. I bought two of those and placed them in the passenger seat of my car, next to the pizza box. I took a pen out of the dashboard and opened the pizza box. The smell of the pizza filled my nostrils, it was wonderful and I was sure that she’d love it. I wrote a ‘Sorry’ message at the inside of the opened lid and drew a heart around it. It looked perfect. I closed the box and drove my way to her house. Within minutes, I reached the street where her house was located. As I entered the street, I could see a car parked infront of her house. I then saw her parents getting into the car, followed by her brother. I silently prayed that she mustn’t go with them because then I’d have to eat the pizza and cheese cake all by myself. All my plan would go for a waste. My prayers didn’t go in vain, she stood at a distance and waved a good-bye to her family. The situation couldn’t be more perfect. I mentally did a somersault and waited for the car to leave the place. After the car left, I slowly drove towards the house and looked out for signs of other people. After few minutes of scanning the locality, I was quiet sure that she was alone. I went towards the door with the pizza and cheese cakes in my hand. I took a minute before ringing the bell to open the box and place the cheese cake on either side of the pizza. I rang the bell and the 20 seconds wait was the longest wait ever! The door opened with a click. She looked so pretty. She was dressed in a grey T-shirt and white tracks. Her eyes never failed to mesmerize me. I mentally whistled at how beautiful she looked. I quickly got out of the stance and studied her expression. It was null. I could make out nothing from it. Her eyes racked slowly towards the box in my hand and I swear that I saw a faint smile play over her lips. It was a good sign. I quickly bent on my knees and said,
“Please forgive me. I simply can’t live without you”, and put on the best innocent smile I could. Her expression was still null. A part of me started losing hope that she’d forgive me. Just as I started thinking that all this was for a waste, her expression slowly changed to a smile and she started laughing. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. She took the pizza box from my hand and gently placed her lips on mine. The kiss was gentle and soft. I placed my hands on her waist and kissed her with equal intensity. After a while, she took her lips off mine and said, “I wouldn’t have forgiven you if it was not for the pizza”.
“So, you love pizza more than me?”, I countered.
“Apparently, yes.”, she replied with a mock attitudish tone.
I smiled with relief, realizing that she was back being her old self.
“You may come in.”, she said with the same tone and turned around.
We were back again, so I had to get back to being myself, right? I gently held her waist and lifted her, my other arm lifting her knees. She gave a squeak and started giggling.
“Yes, let’s go in”, I replied by adapting the tone she used a while back.
She mock glared at me and placed one of her arms around my neck, the other arm holding the pizza box.
“I love you, you know.”, she said.
“I love you baby.”, I replied and the kiss that followed seemed to last for hours.
I mentally thanked the people responsible for the discovery of pizza and cheese cake, without whom my life would’ve been miserable!

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2018 in random thoughts

 

Let’s just fall in love again

Can we just fall in love again without bringing the past? I’ll forget the heartbreak and I’ll pretend the all the scars were there because I fell down the stairs if you forget all the mistakes I done, how I take this love for granted and all the poetry I’ve written that weren’t always kind. They were never kind. Not to you and not even to me. Let’s experience the things that makes us fall in love with each other again. Let’s saw each other face and smile instantly, how warm traveled all over me when I saw that light in your eyes. Let’s have those midnight phone calls and just skip sleep altogether. Tell me everything again like you never told me before. I’ll throw away the fears. I’ll throw away the “how many other boys she’s done this to”, the “I should reply this longer than she takes to reply”, the “I should talk to other girls so I don’t look so in love with her” Because time is running out. It keeps blowing strikes to me at heart. Each a reminder of how I let this go. How I let my soul learn how to get used to all these spaces between us. When all I ever wish was skin on skin. So let’s just fall in love again. Tenderly. Innocently. Quickly. Recklessly. Boldly. Bravely. Like we never hurt each other. Don’t mind the scars. We can save each other later. Let’s just fall in love again.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2018 in random thoughts

 

Dear Almost Partner

Dear Almost Partner,

How are you?

I hope you are doing very well. You still look cute in your pictures by the way. And that one with you biting your lower lip? It still kind of makes me want to see you right away and kiss you again.

And as they say, almost will never be enough.

How long has it been? 5 year ? I’ve not also dated any girl but you being the first after my last relationship, kind of set standards for everyone else who followed. In the nature department, you’re still at the top .

What if I had you? What if we became official and we were in relationship ? Don’t you think about it sometimes? Because I do. Nah, it’s not that I haven’t moved on. When you’re single and bored, you tend to think of these things just to pass time.

I would have been at your place yesterday and you could have cooked for me I must say your cooking was really good. I don’t know. Even the reheated pizza we had for breakfast was great. Maybe because I ate it with you.

We would have then gone to the mall to watch Jungle Book. I’m not sure if you would have liked it. I wasn’t really given the chance to know more of you. You were quiet and reserved when we were still talking and I just had to fill in the blanks in between.

That’s what’s bad about me having to make up for your silence. I made my own little stories inside my head which made me think you liked me too. Liked in the sense of us being partners.

I would make up excuses for your being not expressive and will tell myself of possible reasons why you weren’t exerting as much effort as I did.

Anyway, we could have then had dinner somewhere not too fancy and had ice cream after. Remember that one time when we ran in the rain just to get ice cream from a store near your place? Definitely one for the books.

We would then head back to your place and make love. I would have heard again the strange noise you make when you try to be sexy; I’m sure you weren’t conscious that you were doing that, but I liked it. I would have seen that look in your eyes again, your hairy thighs and felt your kisses that only I gave meaning to.

If you think about it, you would have not been my almost boyfriend. You could be my boyfriend now. And all the things I mentioned above would have not been wasted chances and possibilities but rather sweet memories.

This could have been a love letter and not a blog post.
There could have been an us. And I could have ended this with love.

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2018 in random thoughts

 

Define your own Philosophy

“I am sad because life sucks. My life sucks”, she cried.”Why do you need to be sad if life sucks. You know what? Life sucks because you learn the blues and not the yellows”, I replied.

“What does that mean?” She sobbed.”We become tough as a stone while what life teaches us to flow like a river”, I said.

“I don’t get it. If life throws lemons at you, you can’t feel sweetness. Right. That’s an old saying”, she said.”Fuck the old saying. Listen to what I have to say”.”Hmmmmm”.

“Why doesn’t one become good to people because once he was mistreated and he knows how it feels? Why doesn’t he become appreciative of others because once he was insulted? Why doesn’t he become empathetic towards others because he was hurt once?Why doesn’t he stop judging people because once he was judged by others? Why doesn’t he become more understanding of others because once he was misunderstood and bitched about? Why doesn’t he become more giving because he didn’t receive the love and care from the people he deeply loved once? Why doesn’t he become sweet because he knows what bitterness is and how he felt once when people were bitter towards him.

I am bitter because my girlfriend left me. I am angry because my friends didn’t care for me. I am rude because no matter how good I was with people I was betrayed in the end. I am cruel because people have hurt me and have never turned around to look if I am alright. Why? Why carry their dark sides and learn the negative feelings? Why don’t you learn from your own sufferings? Why do you have to carry the legacy of those who did bad things to you. If you would keep doing that the world would never be a better place to live in. You don’t need to read Socrates and Aristotle to know about life’s philosophy. They never read others. Pay attention to your own life and don’t do those things to others because of which you suffered a great deal once. Because life gave you lemons once you don’t need to squirt it in the eyes of others. Swallow the lemon(like Shiva swallowed the venom) and learn the lesson to make it a point that you wouldn’t become like one but you would spread the light because you knew once what darkness felt like. 

 
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Posted by on September 6, 2018 in random thoughts

 

Shadow

 
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Posted by on August 27, 2018 in random thoughts

 
 
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