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Conversation

The ones that aren’t necessarily ridden with words, but at times with silence, at other times with songs or sometimes just one’s reassuring presence, sitting alongside you, across the floor.

And conversations end up making a lot of sense when it is with the right person.

One who listens to you vent and sob like an inconsolable child, scream and shout in frustration and angst, debate and fight with you about your opinions, who smacks across your head (with words) when you do something foolish, gives you career advice, stays mum and in silence across the other end of the phone call when you don’t feel like talking, sings songs to cheer you up, makes future biking trip plans, shares their fears with you knowing that you will gladly be their soundboard, who takes your call at 3 am despite being asleep and gives you company because you have something bothering you, who gladly agrees to be your partner if you don’t get married by 32 , who will not protect you but will instead will tell you to wear your heart on your sleeve, get bruised, hurt and learn lessons because experience is what makes a person who and what they are; one who doesn’t think twice before calling you an idiot if you act like one and has a philosophical yet bordering on crazy talk with you on all the topics under the sun.

These are the conversations that make you feel liberated, give you strength and company during dire times, feel like the wind beneath your wings, make for fond memories and your world, immeasurably happier and brighter.

Such people are truly a gift to have; they can be found at some nook, corner or bunker of the world. Like the old bookstore around the corner, the smell of freshly roasted coffee beans, of the earth after it rains, or the sound of dhak at durga puja, transporting you back to a place like home and into your own little treasure trove of memories

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Posted by on October 22, 2017 in random thoughts

 

Who is GOD

All life creates. The birds build nests, the bees make honey…the ants, anthills. But it is us, human beings, who are capable of creating things more powerful than ourselves! We cant really fly, so we made airplanes & rockets, we cant “chat”with people a million miles away, so we devised the internet & the telephone; we cant do enormous calculations in milliseconds, so we made calculators & computers…..

We cant maintain order in this population of 7 billion, we couldn’t, even when we were just a fraction of this number, so, we made RELIGION. Religion governs us like no other system does. It dictates not only what & when to eat & drink, how to dress, whom to interact with & whom to look down upon; but also lays down a moral and political code of conduct that no “righteous” man may digress from.

But that is not where God belongs! Where religion stands today, the Church, the Temple, the Mosque are no more than political parties looking out to enhance their vote-banks.

Man created this God, and now expects Him to protect him.

This God that we worship and fear, we also treat like a Jinn…every time I observe someone pray, I basically see them asking for something..some wish they want Him to fulfill.

That’s not my idea of God. To me he is but a concept, a positive energy that radiates from all that there is, on Earth and in space. I talk to Him sometimes, the way one would, to his dearest confidante. But I don’t blame him when things don’t go my way, nor do I expect Him to miraculously make it right while I watch like a mere spectator. I often find myself speaking into space, “There are too many people expecting too much of You, always wanting….I am not going too be another one bothering you.”

After all, your life your life is yours to live, and if believing gives us strength; you’d rather believe in Yourself…and then, He’ll always be your friend, …………

 
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Posted by on October 19, 2017 in random thoughts

 

If I Stop Loving You

Note: This post is a creative essay about a specific kind of fear people encounter when falling in love with the distance — giving up. Before we push ourselves right in the battlefield, we think about giving up…and it’s a fear that comes back every now and then. I was feeling anxious more than usual lately, so in behalf of everyone in a relationship, I wanted to write and share this post with you.

Right before I fall for you, I want you to be aware that once I do, I would want you to be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I would not imagine myself with somebody else. I would never look forward to the day I’d be falling out of love with you because I do not want to think that it would be possible for me to live a life without you.

I would have lots of things to wish for if I ever be with you. I’d wish that we both could live a hundred years together, so we would have more time to be with each other. I’d wish that we were born in the same place at the same time because it is kind of unsettling to think that I had spent twenty-two years of my life not knowing you.

You may think I would be incapable of loving you forever, and I wish to prove you wrong. But just in case I fail, I am writing this beforehand to ask for your forgiveness if I ever do you wrong.

I want you to forgive me if the day comes that I stop loving you. Forgive me if suddenly, I fall out of love and I don’t seem to care anymore. It doesn’t mean that because I am no longer in love with you, my love for you is never real. Forgive me if one day, you realize that I lied to you when I said I would never give up on you. I have always thought I am not capable of giving up most especially when it comes to you.

I want you to forgive me if one day, I stop waiting for you. I promise that you will always be on top of my priorities, but if I fail, please do forgive me. I hope you would realize how hard it is to wait for something, and not be able to know how long it would take. Forgive me if I lose my patience and I am no longer able to give you the attention I used to shower you with.

Forgive me if I stop being the person you supposedly fell for. Forgive me if I cease to be that person who would give you the world and sacrifice everything for you. Forgive me if one day you realize that I am not the most perfect lover. Forgive me if I don’t stick to my words.

If one day, all these things I am telling you happen, I want you to know that it isn’t your fault. It will never be. I want you to remember that I have loved you with all of my heart. I need you to understand that while some things last, there are still some that are bound to end. But despite everything, I want you to know that I do not regret falling in love with you.

So please forgive me if I stop loving you or if the day comes that my heart stops beating for you.

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2017 in random thoughts

 

If you can’t speak just pen down them 

There are things we never tell anyone. We want to but we can’t. So we write them down. Or we paint them. Or we sing about them. It’s our only option. To remember. To attempt to discover the truth. Sometimes we do it to stay alive. These things, they live inside of us. They are the secrets we stash in our pockets and the weapons we carry like guns across our backs. And in the end we have to decide for ourselves when these things are worth fighting for, and when it’s time to throw in the towel. Sometimes a person has to die in order to live. Deep down, I know you know this. You just can’t seem to do anything about it. I guess it’s a sad fact of life that some of us move on and some of us inevitably stay behind. Only in this case I’m not sure which one of us is doing which. You were right about one thing though. It’s not fate. It’s a choice. And who knows, maybe we’ll meet again someday, somewhere up above all the noise. Until then, when you think of me, try and remember the good stuff. Try and remember the love.

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2017 in motivation

 

Smile -A light in darkness

It hurts to love someone and not be reciprocated, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to tell that person how you feel. Maybe God wants us to know a few wrong people before meeting the right person, to finally know when, know how to be grateful for this wonderful gift. One of the saddest things in life is when you meet someone who means everything and just to realize that in the end it was not for you and you have to let go. When the door of happiness closes, another door opens, but sometimes we look so long that door was closed, we do not see that has opened before us. It is true that we know what we have until we lose it, but it’s also true that we do not know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that you will include, but not expect to be appropriate; only expected to grow love in the heart of the other person, but does not grow is happy that grew in yours. There are things you’d love to hear you never hear it from the person who you would have said them, but do not be so deaf not to hear of him who says from his heart. Never say goodbye if you still want to try. Never give up if you feel you can keep fighting. Never tell a person who already do not love if you can not let go. Love comes to those who wait, but they have disappointed those who still believe, although it has been betrayed; one who still need love, but has been hurt before and who has the courage and faith to build trust again. The beginning of love is to let those we know to be themselves and not treat them to turn to our own image, because then we will love only the reflection of ourselves in them. Do not go outside, this can fool you, do not go for wealth because even that is lost; go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day shine. I hope

 
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Posted by on October 9, 2017 in random thoughts

 

Online Lover

She flung her laptop bag on the bed. Weekend. Finally.

Anjali glanced at her watch. Rahul should be here any minute now. She changed into her usual skirt and top ensemble, comfortable shoes, simple make-up. She ditched the contact lenses and chose to wear her glasses instead. A quick glance in the mirror and she saw a slim figure, a round face, wavy hair. Well, not so bad.

Rahul was back from his Paris business trip. They had agreed to leave together to Sonal and Ankit’s new place. Their whole bunch of cousins had arrived the previous evening from various parts of Europe for the wedding and they had planned a house party.

Rahul pulled up and honked twice. Anjali hurriedly locked the door and ran towards the car. She got in and hugged Rahul. They talked about his new assignment and he moaned about the long hours he was now expected to put in. They’d met about six months ago at a theater workshop. They continued to see each other as good friends. Neither mentioned commitment and were happy to go with the flow.

They arrived at the penthouse. The party was already in full swing. Sonal waved out to them. Someone handed Anjali a glass of chilled white wine which she gratefully accepted.

Anjali realized she hadn’t eaten anything since 11:00 that morning. She hurried towards the dining room, grabbed a plate and piled it with a handful of kababs. Sighing with satisfaction, she turned. And bumped into him, lost her balance, fell backwards onto the chair. The chair toppled over, she was on the floor, her glasses askew, the plate’s contents strewn all around her. A kabab was sitting comfortably on her forehead. She irritatedly threw the kabab aside and adjusted her glasses.

He stretched out his hand, with concern in his voice, “Are you okay? I am so sorry!”

Damned right you are – she wanted to scream at him. Her best outfit was ruined and the party hadn’t even started yet. She hadn’t eaten anything the whole day and for some reason, she felt like crying. She angrily wiped away her tears. He was even more concerned. “Does it hurt that bad? Stay here, let me go get Sonal.”

“No, I am fine. Really. Just had a little meltdown there. I am good. Thanks,” she hurriedly got up and rushed to the washroom. She knew the skirt was ruined beyond repair.

“Oh Sweetie, let me get you something to wear,” Sonal’s concerned voice came from behind her. She took out a floral maxi dress and handed it to Anjali. “There you go. I bet this will be a perfect fit”.

Anjali tried it on. It did fit her well, though she wasn’t too sure she liked the deep scoop neck on the dress. She thanked Sonal, hating herself for all the fuss she had caused. He was waiting for her, still looking worried, holding a fresh plate of kababs.

“Anjali, this is Ajay. My cousin from Delhi. He’s here for our wedding. Ajay, Anjali and I go back a long way. Now you be nice to her, won’t you?” Sonal said mischievously before walking away.

Anjali suddenly felt deserted. She looked at the stranger in front of her. Medium height, broad shoulders, the beginnings of a paunch. Ajay stood with the plate in his hands, forgetting to hand it to Anjali. He continued to blink, at a loss for suitable words a guy ought to say in situations such as these.

“Let’s meet the rest of the gang, shall we?” said Anjali as she walked onto the terrace. There were whistles and catcalls as she made her entrance. Rahul quickly walked up to her. “Well, well Anjali! You look gorgeous.” He had his arm around her waist, possessively, as he led her to the group and introduced her. Ajay followed, looking a little embarrassed.

The usual party games were finished and most folks were taking a breather. There was one last game that Sonal insisted everyone play. Truth or Dare. The bottle was spun, the questions were relatively crazy and the game had everyone in splits. Suddenly, the bottle pointed towards Ajay. Sonal opened the slip of paper from the bowl and read aloud, “What is the stupidest thing you have done in your life?”

There was silence in the room when Ajay spoke. “I broke the heart of this beautiful orphan girl in Bangalore. We stayed in touch for a year over emails and finally decided it was time to meet in person. We agreed to meet in Bangalore last year. I stood her up. I simply never showed up. I know she shouldn’t be with anyone else but me. If she will forgive my momentary lack of courage and have me.”

Rahul heard Anjali’s sharp intake of breath. And looked at her with concern. Anjali excused herself and went out to the terrace. She desperately needed the fresh air. It was a coincidence. Had to be. It is possible isn’t it? That this world is full of guys who use a matrimonial site as entertainment? To play with a girl’s emotions and then discard them like yesterday’s newspaper? She composed herself and was about to go in when she saw Ajay in the doorway. She ignored him and tried to walk past him.

“Anjali, please wait. Let me explain. Please?”

“Ajay, I have nothing to say to you. I don’t know who you are. I am with Rahul. I guess you know that already.”

Ajay sighed. “Anjali, you need to listen to me. You know me as Harish. My profile name on the website. You also know we never exchanged photos because we thought we should get to know each other long distance before actually seeing one another.”

Anjali said quietly, “Ajay or Harish, or whoever you are. I want to say this one last time. I am with Rahul, I do not care what you have to say. I’d like to go in now.”

Ajay tried to hold Anjali’s hand. She pulled away angrily.

“Please listen to me Anjali. I was scared when you mentioned your parents abandoned you as a five year-old child because of suspected Hansen’s Disease. And that the fishmonger took you in and later handed you over to the orphanage. It was simply too intense for me to comprehend. For the first time in my life I allowed circumstances to overwhelm me. I stopped thinking rationally. I love you Anjali. Always have. Please forgive me.”

Sonal came to the terrace, closely followed by Rahul. Rahul put his arm around Anjali’s waist. “Hey Anjali, everything okay?”

Anjali looked right at Rahul and said, “Rahul, I haven’t mentioned this before. But I may have had Hansen’s Disease in my childhood.”

Rahul immediately dropped his arm from around Anjali’s waist and took a step backward. “Ohh,” he stammered as he wiped his palms on the sides of his trouser legs.

Sonal hugged Anjali, “Come here my little one.” She turned to Rahul. “Rahul, I’d like you to leave. The terrace and my party.” Rahul hurriedly walked away, not once looking back.

She turned to Anjali, “Anjali, what Ajay hasn’t told you is that he had Hansen’s Disease as a baby. He was fully cured by the time he was in his teens. He has been traumatized enough in this country to be scared. Really scared. I think you should give him a fair chance.”

Anjali whispered,”Sonal, you knew? All this while. And you didn’t say anything to me.”

Sonal looked at her helplessly. “Anjali, what could I say? Ajay did mention a certain ‘Anjali’ to me and I did wonder if it might have been you. But you know, coincidences usually happen in books and to other people. I thought if the two of you met each other, maybe we’ll all finally know the truth? And maybe your story ends the way it is supposed to?”

She left the two of them alone. Ajay and Anjali were very quiet.

Anjali whispered, “How did you know it was me? I never sent you any pictures.”

Ajay smiled. “The butterfly tattoo on your left wrist. You’d mentioned the tattoo to me. Your profile name is Anjali. And the pictures Sonal uploaded on Facebook. Look, I meant to meet you and tell you in person. That our relationship would always be a gamble. I didn’t want to cause you any more hardship. God knows you have been through enough already. But here I am, I simply couldn’t stay away. Not after knowing you.”

Anjali smiled, “Ajay, life doesn’t have guarantees. I know Hansen’s Disease is not genetic. But who knows what genes we carry? Or what ailments our children will be born with? It is too much of an expectation that our futures will turn out perfect. I’d like to focus on the present, Ajay. The here and now. Do you have the courage? To place your faith in the possibility of us? I do.”

Ajay held Anjali tight and said, “Anjali, will you marry me?”

They went inside hand in hand. Anjali walked up to Sonal, hugged her and said, “Thank you Sonal. Few in this world are blessed to have friends such as you,” Sonal had tears in her eyes, “Baby, any time. You’ve been there for me too, remember?”

Ajay and Anjali were married a month later at a quiet ceremony at Sonal and Ankit’s place. Within a year of marriage, they adopted a baby girl. Anjali is pregnant and the baby is due in july this year. They presently live in Delhi.

 
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Posted by on October 7, 2017 in random thoughts

 

The Letter

Dear,

I am shaking whilst writing this, the whole of my body is throbbing with insanity, the stuttering of my hand makes it impossible for me to hold the pen, speaks why the handwriting is shaky, I am brimming with curiosity, no doubt I am blissfuly tensed and sweating.

My love (i heard the lady downstairs), I have been visiting your den for the past weeks, I have, evidently, slept with so many girls here routinely, I have made myself recognisable amongst the lot, but never even for a second did I ever felt this undescribable rush that I felt last night, with you. I couldn’t sleep the whole night staring at the divine figure beside me, I kept looking at you like I shouldn’t, and God! You are heavenly. It felt like a lifetime, I didn’t want to touch you but feel you, I didn’t want to kiss you but taste your dry lips, I didn’t want to have sex with you but merge with your soul, I didn’t want to seductively bite your skin but feel your every bruises lovingly with my lips, why, even I don’t know. You doesn’t have a fair face or a charming smile but that cigarette burn on your left cheek is so sexy that it follows me everywhere and I can’t help not staring at it, your dreamy little eyes are always so much full of stories I always wanted to listen, your lined and working hands are not so brutally hard, your husky voice is a melody to the ear, your long tresses paints my bare skin so perfectly colorful, its so out of the world, this feeling. I feel right, for the first time in my life, about this. This feels so real, I had started doing this during bad days but I have suddenly started feeling I have something to finish, maybe its my call, certainly maybe it’s you. Life gave me ten reasons to stand back for myself but I chose to only notice the one reason out of it which pushed me further down, that was almost not true and surprisingly today I see just one reason amidst a body of all the wrong reasons to finally start anew, you. I don’t know I can cope up with this sudden rush but I think I know it’s nowhere near the end. Today I know, it’s You, it’s Us, it’s Love.

Your Lover

 
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Posted by on October 5, 2017 in random thoughts

 
 
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