Everyone needs someone, even meme😀

How can you not? I see it in your eyes.. I’ve seen the same look before in mine.. I don’t even look at people anymore when I walk down the street, I’m afraid they will be afraid of what they see.. The sadness in my eyes tells the misery and pain, and I don’t know how to hide it so I prefer to look away.. .
Since I started this journey of writing and sharing my words and thoughts on social media I’ve come across so many broken souls and hurting people, it’s been such an honor and a pleasure to share tears and stories with you all.. I feel as though just having someone to relate to when you feel your lowest is the most helpful way to ease the pain.. Often times those around us choose to make us feel inferior for our problems, or like our problems don’t really matter that much.. They only do this because they aren’t quite sure how to process any one else’s feelings but their own.. You don’t have to feel alienated just because something happens to you and it makes you feel like crying, if it hurts it fuckin hurts and no one can tell you other wise.. Emotions aren’t something to be feared, some of them are just how we deal with pain in these human bodies we are trapped in.. It’s OK to feel it!! Don’t let any one ever tell you other wise.. Everyone’s pain is relevant, everyone’s problems are serious.. We all need to practice more compassion instead of judgment, that doesn’t help anyone or solve anything.. At the end of the day eventually everyone needs someone, even meme. #nodoubt_complicated

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Posted by on June 23, 2022 in random thoughts


बस तुम

तुम ही तुम दिखते हो हमे कुछ हुआ तो जरूर है
ये आईने की भुल है या आपकी मस्त निगाहो का कसुर है

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Posted by on August 10, 2021 in random thoughts


The Wolf

Once upon a time, I found myself in a deep, dark wood. It was cold and dark and there were many things hidden under the twisted branches waiting to tear me into pieces. I was terrified because I was being hunted, and I had nowhere safe to go. Deep in the woods I met a wolf. He was a man by day, and a beast by night. He told me he could keep me safe and hide me from the hideous thing that hunted me. The wolf took me back to his lair and let me rest upon a bed of duckling down. He lit a fire and covered me in a blanket made of rabbit fur- and for the first time in a million years I felt safe. And for the first time in a million years I could sleep. And I slept and slept, slowly regaining my strength. The wolf would feed me fish he’d caught in a nearby stream- he’d clean and cook the freshwater fish and feed me until my belly was content. He picked me blackberries and made me daisy crowns for my head. The wolf kept me safe day in and day out. And the hideous thing that hunted me never let up- at times it came so close, but the wolf tucked me carefully into his chest and watched over me until it was safe again. With each new day I came to depend on the wolf more and more, until I realized I couldn’t survive without him. I had bound myself to him and he to me- we began to slowly fuse together, losing ourselves day by day. I had fallen deeply in love with the wolf- his eyes as blue as forget-me-nots, his hair as black as ink. I loved him, I helplessly loved him and my heart caught a feverish chill. I was growing weak and so was he- our bond had made us both sick- we didn’t eat or drink or play in the sun- we clung to one another like desperate fools. We made love without stopping until we collapsed. We grew hungry and began to feed upon one another. Soon our tainted bond was more threatening than the vile beast which was still out there in the woods hunting me. One day, I looked into the wolf’s forget-me-not blue eyes and I said, “I need you to let me forget you. And you must forget me. We are killing each other…”. The wolf let out a long, guttural howl and the moon turned black. He didn’t want to let me go and I didn’t want to leave.But watching him waste away before me gave me strength. I loved him, I loved him with every raggedy inch of my sad soul and I knew that if this love was real and true, that I would let him go forever so that he could heal and be free and return to his beastly magnificence. I made love to him one last time and it was bitter-sweet and dreadful- neither of us soared to our previous heights of pleasure that night. Our hearts were shattered and the pillows were drenched in our tears. The comforting fire blew out somewhere in the middle, leaving us in the cold, dark, silence. As the wolf fell into an uneasy sleep, I crept quietly out of his lair and ran as fast as I could, far away. I ran so hard and so fast-I was determined to leave him behind. I was committed to erasing his entire existence from my mind. I buried him so deep in my heart that not even the icy tendrils of my worst nightmares could resurrect my love. I let him die. I let him be forgotten. I erased him.
The day that I ran away, I could hear his paws thundering against the earth as he tore off after me- and I knew that if I stopped for even a moment, he would find me. And I would let him. And then we would both die and it’d all of been for nothing.
This was a thousand years ago, in another place and time. I never think of any of it.
But tonight the moon is full and as I stand out under the night sky, I am convinced that for the briefest moment I can see a pair of long-forgotten eyes watching me from the shadows. I feel a chill dance up my spine. The door to those memories are sealed forever. The soul-achingly tender feelings are encased in hardened cement and sitting at the bottom of a deep, dark, forgotten ocean. I turn my back on the night with thoughts of my warm bed in mind, and as I begin to take my leave the icy wind rushes over my skin, tossing my hair about playfully. And I hear a whisper on the breeze, of a familiar voice that I can hardly remember. “Forget me not” it weeps mournfully. My heart responds in a vague aching, yet I can hardly recall the source of this terrible ghost-pain. I ask my heart why she is aching, but she only howls at the moon and cries…

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Posted by on May 7, 2021 in Short Fiction



काश बदनाम हो जायें

Its better to find a person who change your life significantly intstead of finding a preson who will change your relationship status

मेरी भी एक दुआ कुबूल हो जाये
फिर राह में उनसे मुलाकात हो जाये।

सूरज बैठा है निगरानी में उनके
उनके गली में पहुँचूँ तो रात हो जाये।

जो ख़त उनको लिखा था जज़्बातों से
पहुंचे उन तक तो शायद शुरुआत हो जाये।

छत पर आए वो जुल्फें लहराते
नज़रें मिले उनसे तो इशारों में बात हो जाये।

बड़े शरीफ हैं हम अपने मोहल्ले में
तमन्ना है कि गली में उनके बदनाम हो जायें।


Posted by on February 5, 2021 in love, poetry



Ever felt irritated of everything around you? Ever wanted to just be away from the world and to live just in your own built place of memories?
Ever wanted to lock yourself there and never come back? Ever wanted darkness?
Well, the things you have at present is known as freedom for some wanderering souls.
No, by freedom I don’t mean the permission of doing all the illegal things or freedom from the never ending questions of your parents. Freedom has different meaning for everybody.
For some its FREEDOM, freedom from the cage. Freedom for some is the longing of watching the sunrise, its walking by the sea under the city of stars and it is PEACE, peace of soul. Freedom for some is just a dream, its a wish of breaking out the cage someday and fly, fly high to conquer the mysteries of sky. It is the never ending long drives and tangled romance with moon chasing you or you chasing the moon. Freedom for some
means breathing independence and giving out all fears. Freedom for some is escape from the cage of loneliness to the warmth of crowd. It is to admire the brightness of the loving old couple and not to replay the darker past. It is to cherish the fight of little cuties and a poor boyfriend getting cursed for being late..for some, freedom is to just watch people living, living without a cage..For some it is to make others happy so that they can lighten some weight from their fetters of sins and to fly high towards the peace..for some freedom is to get high, high on the beauty of nature and to loose themselves in it. Freedom for some is not just to live and breathe, it is to love without fear, fear of is to be alive, it is to chase dreams. Freedom is to feel Everything out of Nothing.
Freedom is breaking out the cage to a new morning of tranquillity. But freedom now is a thing, far away from the society…



Posted by on September 9, 2020 in random thoughts


Why Relationships Fail….

There are several reasons why relationships fail, and very few reasons why they succeed. If TRUE love is your goal, you won’t find it by building your relationships on earthly foundations. Soul mates cannot be found through worldly means. Whatever image you’ve created of your soul mate, the beautiful woman with the piercing eyes, or the handsome man with the chiseled features; these are rarely more than superficial fantasies. As long as you’re searching for that perfect IMAGE, you will prevent yourself from seeing your true soul mate when your paths actually do cross.

So how has romance treated you thus far? Have you been successful? Is this your first relationship? If it is, and it has the right elements, you may have that happily ever after ending you’ve been searching for. But if those elements are missing, or you’ve had more than one failed relationship in the past, chances are, your present relationship, will not be your last. That, of course, depends upon the pattern you’ve developed. You haven’t developed a pattern, you say? Perhaps not, but, then again, maybe you have, and you just don’t realize it.

Let’s take a look at the man who married three times, prior to his present relationship. In each of his previous marriages, his wives cheated on him. Would you say this man has a pattern? A woman, who married twice, was abused by one husband, and cheated on by the other? Does that qualify as a pattern? Her two husbands betrayed her in different ways, so what’s consistent about that? A man who married twice, cheated on his first wife, but in his second marriage his wife cheated on him? How could that possibly be a pattern? The truth is, each example describes a pattern of failure. One failure need not be exactly like the last to create a pattern.

The first thing a person MUST do in order to change their present paradigm, is take responsibility for their pattern of failure. We often take on the roll of victim when relationships end. This absolves us of the responsibility for our failure. But how are we ever going to learn from our mistakes if we convince ourselves we never made them? If we spend our time blaming our former partners for the destruction of our relationships, then we don’t really understand how relationships work. When two individuals unite, they become two halves of one soul. They are no longer individuals. Modern relationships, however, do not share these ideals. Couples enter into a marriage on a trial basis only. Neither party is willing to relinquish their individuality; for fear that the relationship may fail. Should that happen, individuality insures that they will be able to make a clean break. Even those of us who believe that marriage is forever, remain uncertain that the relationship will actually last. In a world where people divorce for reasons as superficial as a man losing his hair, or a woman’s body changing after pregnancy, why shouldn’t we be uncertain of marriage?

Regardless of the reasons a relationship ends, the FACT that you are responsible for your pattern, does not change. Let’s examine the word responsible for a moment. In any given situation, you are able to respond wisely, or foolishly. In other words, you are response-able. A man dates a woman who shows all the signs of being a cheater, but because he’s convinced himself that she’s the “one,” he refuses to see those signs. A woman dates a man with a temper, who doesn’t hide his jealousy, regarding her flirtatious personality. His jealous tirades could easily evolve into physical abuse. But she convinces herself that he is her soul mate, and ignores the signs. So who is at fault in these examples?

A man is walking through a forest and spots a wounded bear. He has compassion for the bear, so he runs home and gets his truck and trailer. He coaxes the bear into the trailer with some raw fish, and takes him home. He clears a place for the bear in his garage, and begins nursing the animal back to health. After several weeks, the bear is healthy once more. The man believes he’s made himself a new friend, and prepares to return the bear to the forest. He throws some raw fish into the trailer and opens the garage door. But instead of peacefully climbing into the trailer for the fish, the bear is startled by the sound of the garage door and attacks the man, killing him. The man appears before Jesus, and asks Him why the bear would attack someone who was only trying to help him.

God explains to the man that the bear isn’t to blame for his death. He tells him that it was his own compassion for the beast that brought about his untimely end. “You believed that rescuing the bear, and providing the necessary care needed to save its life, would endear you to him. And that is the reason why you were killed. How can I fault an animal for following its nature? Should I condemn a bear for being a bear?”

In the same way, how can we blame the adulterous woman, if all she was guilty of was being an adulterous woman? And how can we condemn the abusive man, for being an abusive man? It was their partners who CHOSE to overlook their true natures. If a woman marries an alcoholic, having full knowledge that he has a drinking problem, should God let her out of her marriage contract, if she decides her husband’s problem with alcohol is too much for her? If a man marries a woman with an eating disorder, should God let him out of his marriage contract, if he decides he doesn’t want a fat wife? If you enter into the covenant of marriage, and you do not take everything into account, you have no one to blame but yourself for the failure of that relationship.

A woman is married to a man who begins beating her after ten years of marriage. Obviously, there were key elements missing from that relationship, otherwise it would not have escalated to that level in only a decade. The husband is guilty of following a violent path, and breaking the vows of marriage – he is also guilty of the injuries sustained by his wife, the first time he beat her. The wife, however, is responsible for allowing him to carry out that pattern of abuse, beyond that first assault. She may deny that fact, using excuses like, finances, children, fear of further harm, or even fear of death. Her choice in life mates was awfully poor if that last one is a possibility. As far as the rest of the excuses are concerned, they only apply if she has no family beyond her husband, and children. If she chooses to stay with the beater, even when she has parents, siblings, or friends who could help, that is again, HER responsibility. If a surfer knowingly goes surfing in the middle of a school of great white sharks, should we blame the shark for eating him? We live in a victim oriented society. People are constantly blaming others for the consequences of their choices. The woman who allowed herself to be abused over and over, blames the beater, while the beater blames things like bi-polar disorder. “It wasn’t my fault, I’m the VICTIM of a chemical imbalance!” Come on! The only thing you’re a victim of is pass-the-buck syndrome! We are responsible for our choices, and the roads they lead us down. Admitting that is the first step in changing your pattern.

The second step in changing our patterns is probably the most difficult step of all. We MUST become the kind of person that someone would WANT to spend eternity with. So let me ask you something. If you were your spouse, or significant other, would YOU want to spend eternity with you? Be honest. Most people answer no to that question. And if that was also your answer, how do you think it affects your pattern? A negative opinion of one’s self is one of the most destructive elements you can bring into a relationship. Why should your partner carry the burden of proving your worthiness of receiving love? Your opinion of yourself is entirely YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, and it only creates a strain on the relationship when you put that responsibility on your partner. If your partner loves you, and often tells you so, why can’t you just accept that? Why do you treat their affection as a temporary thing, only extended to you, until someone better comes along?

Why do you allow your insecurities to prevent your partner from connecting with you, at a spiritual level? Why are you constantly telling them that you don’t trust them? You don’t have to say the words “I don’t trust you” to convey that message. All you have to do is act as though you don’t believe them when they say “I love you.” And why do you allow your jealousy to confine your partner to a cage? Don’t you realize that our own human instincts will inevitably cause us to try and escape our cages? Your partner isn’t the one looking at your competition and thinking, “wow, there are so many better choices out there than the one I made.” Those are YOUR THOUGHTS. And even though this is your opinion of yourself, you are constantly punishing your partner for it. How can your partner prove his or her love for you, if you look at the evidence he or she presents with untrusting eyes. And without trust, your relationship WILL fail, and your pattern WILL repeat. Trust in a relationship is paramount to its survival. Therefore you have two choices: tear down your walls, and trust that you are worthy of your partner’s love, or keep them up and watch your insecurities drive your partner away.

The third step has also proved to be a difficult one. It requires a person to follow an honorable path. For all of a person’s accomplishments, their homes, their cars, their income, and their families, only one thing cannot be taken from them. You can be robbed of your home, your car, your job, your family, your freedom, and even your life. The only thing that cannot be stripped from you, is your integrity. The sad thing is, most people give that away without a second thought.

You make a vow to your spouse and a vow to God, on your wedding day. To love, honor, and cherish; for better AND for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, keeping yourself ONLY unto him or her for all the days of your life, till death do you part. Remember that promise? A person’s word defines his or her character, and their character defines them. If that person’s word means nothing, he or she is CHOOSING to mean nothing themselves. If a relationship is without honor, or integrity, it will crumble under the weight of its own deceit.

The fourth step requires a great deal of discernment. Forgiveness is an important part of every relationship, however, there is a fine line between forgiveness earned, and forgiveness unearned. When your partner breaches your trust, and apologizes, should you forgive him/her? What has he or she done, other than apologize, to regain your trust? A woman marries her high school sweetheart, but is unable to remain faithful to him. He catches her in the act, and she pleads with him not to leave her. She promises never to cheat on him again, and because she is his high school sweetheart, he forgives her. Less than a year later, he catches her again. This time, he files for divorce. Despite her pleading, she cannot mend the scars created by her choices. He finds someone new and moves on, and so does she. Once more, she promises to be faithful, but this time she makes that promise to herself. Twenty years later, her marriage is still going strong. She made a choice, to repent from the dishonorable ways of her past. She stepped up, took responsibility for her choices, and turned her life around. She earned her forgiveness. Saying I’m sorry, without making an effort to change, is meaningless. Just like it is when the beater who swears never to abuse his wife again, breaks that oath the next time they have an argument. Has he sought counseling? Did he enroll in anger management classes? Did he do ONE SINGLE THING to earn her forgiveness? Does swearing it will never happen again or begging for forgiveness EARN back a wise person’s trust? Of course it doesn’t, and no one should receive forgiveness until they prove they deserve it. But if you CHOOSE to forgive someone who didn’t earn it, the consequences are your responsibility.

And lastly – the fifth step. We constantly attempt to navigate the course of our own lives. And yet, we always seem to find our way out of the storm whenever we loose control of the wheel. Some don’t believe that a divine presence watches over them. Still, they can’t deny that they have weathered storms that should have scuttled their ship, but didn’t. You have NEVER carried a burden you could not carry, and you have never faced an obstacle you could not overcome. The fact that you are sitting there, reading this, proves that. And still, we hold on to the wheel.

Even when we’re in a relationship, we continue to maintain control of the helm. But instead of one navigator, a relationship has two, both trying to steer the ship in their own directions. In spite of the fact that the sea has never dragged us down, no matter how rough the waters got, we rarely have enough faith to let go of the wheel. And yet, that is what we must do, if we are ever going to find our happy endings. After all, I do not know the way to that place where happily ever after endings are found, and I’m fairly certain you don’t either. That is a destination that only faith can find. If you both try to steer, your ship will likely be dashed against the rocks. The ship is the embodiment of your relationship. You must have faith that it can take you where you need to be.

Like it or not, you do not control your destiny. Be it God, the universe, or fate, something beyond your control has your future well in hand. And if you will just stop fighting the current, it will take you to your destination.

So take a good, long look at your relationship, and ask yourself if it has the elements it needs to succeed. Do you both take RESPONSIBILITY for your choices? Do you TRUST one another? Do you hold firm to your INTEGRITY? Do you know when to FORGIVE, and when not to? And do you have FAITH in the journey, and its destination? If you look back on the failed relationships in your past, I’ll bet you’ll find that they all lacked most of these ingredients. If you examine your present relationship, you may discover that it also lacks some or all of these elements. So the choice is yours, follow your pattern to an unhappy end, or chart a new course, with a new destination.

That journey begins with you taking responsibility for the choices you make, and the consequences those choices bring. You are responsible for the pattern that brought you to this crossroads in life. It is up to YOU to change that pattern, and follow the right path. I think that responsibility, trust, integrity, and faith, would be attributes that any of us could choose. If you are the kind of person who makes these kinds of choices, it would stand to reason that your soul MATE would also be such a person. If you choose someone who does not share these qualities, that is your choice, and your responsibility. You are not a victim of anything, but bad judgment, if you choose poorly. How difficult is it, after all, to recognize someone who takes no responsibility for his or her choices? Are you incapable of noticing if your partner trusts you or not? If your partner has no integrity, do you think you might overlook it? Does your partner do whatever is necessary to EARN your forgiveness when he or she does something that hurts you? How about faith? Do you think they can slip that one by you?

It isn’t as though these are attributes that can be faked with any consistency. Either your CHOICE in partners has them, or they don’t. Therefore, if you disagree with me on the basis that couples rarely ever share these attributes, you are correct that this is a sad reality, but the responsibility for choosing a partner that doesn’t share your ideals, is yours. It is up to you to find the person who best suits you. Creating a lasting relationship depends on the choices you make as an individual. The destiny of that relationship depends on the choices you make as a couple. From there, trust and integrity will fortify you, forgiveness will give you direction, and faith will be your guide. If you both follow the course that these five elements chart for you, your relationship will not fail.

Those of you who are trying to think of reasons why I’m wrong, in order to avoid accepting responsibility for your actions; ask yourself why its so important to prove anything to me. If you aren’t responsible for the pattern your life has followed, why does this treatise bother you so? Why not just say “I’m only human,” and leave it at that. It’s as good an excuse as any for not being responsible, or trusting that your partner loves you. It excuses you from honorable conduct, being wise with forgiveness, or having faith in the journey. It allows you to remain the victim; the victim of being ONLY human. But remember one thing, if that is the path you choose, when the time comes for reflecting back on your life: this too will be your responsibility. God bless U.Jai Shree Krishana…..

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Posted by on September 5, 2020 in random thoughts


It’s okay to be sad, but it’s not okay to always be sad.

Life is beautiful and we should always be grateful to have been given the chance to experience all that life has to offer, but let’s face it. Life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. There are days when all that surrounds us is pitch black  and we can’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel. In these instances, people have different ways of coping. Most people I know try to just shrug it off, thinking that maybe if they try hard enough to ignore it, the sadness would just go away. They refuse to give in to sadness, refuse to let the tears fall, refuse to admit that they are sad. I envy these people and their positivity. Why can’t I be more like them? That would make my life so much easier.

I may be the most emotional person I know. I cry when I’m happy and I cry when I’m sad. I don’t know how to fake a smile and I definitely don’t know how to fake being happy. Sometimes, it is hard. Most people see it as being dramatic, they say I’m too fragile and too sensitive. All they see are the emotions but they don’t bother understanding the reason behind it. I do think it’s okay because whether they do understand or not, what’s more important is that I understand myself. I don’t see my emotions as a weakness. In fact, it is my strenght. During my share of dark days, I often let my sadness take over me, for it is then that I understand myself more and my situation, the reason that I’m sad and what needs to be done to make this sadness just temporary, because that’s how it should be, temporary. It’s okay to be sad but what makes it so bad is if you let it be your way of life. Don’t let sadness become a habit. Cry it out, scream, let it out of your system. In my case, I let it flow through my poetry (that’s why all of them are sad).  Keeping it in for way too long makes it a part of you, seeping in your every vein, crowding in your lungs until it gets too hard for you to breath.

I may not be a very positive person, but I always try to let all my emotions out so I don’t end up a very unhappy one.


Posted by on April 25, 2020 in random thoughts


Define Your Own Philosophy

“I am sad because life sucks. My life sucks”, she cried.”Why do you need to be sad if life sucks. You know what? Life sucks because you learn the blues and not the yellows”, I replied.

“What does that mean?” She sobbed.”We become tough as a stone while what life teaches us to flow like a river”, I said.

“I don’t get it. If life throws lemons at you, you can’t feel sweetness. Right. That’s an old saying”, she said.”Fuck the old saying. Listen to what I have to say”.”Hmmmmm”.

“Why doesn’t one become good to people because once he was mistreated and he knows how it feels? Why doesn’t he become appreciative of others because once he was insulted? Why doesn’t he become empathetic towards others because he was hurt once?Why doesn’t he stop judging people because once he was judged by others? Why doesn’t he become more understanding of others because once he was misunderstood and bitched about? Why doesn’t he become more giving because he didn’t receive the love and care from the people he deeply loved once? Why doesn’t he become sweet because he knows what bitterness is and how he felt once when people were bitter towards him.

I am bitter because my girlfriend left me. I am angry because my friends didn’t care for me. I am rude because no matter how good I was with people I was betrayed in the end. I am cruel because people have hurt me and have never turned around to look if I am alright. Why? Why carry their dark sides and learn the negative feelings? Why don’t you learn from your own sufferings? Why do you have to carry the legacy of those who did bad things to you. If you would keep doing that the world would never be a better place to live in. You don’t need to read Socrates and Aristotle to know about life’s philosophy. They never read others. Pay attention to your own life and don’t do those things to others because of which you suffered a great deal once. Because life gave you lemons once you don’t need to squirt it in the eyes of others. Swallow the lemon(like Shiva swallowed the venom) and learn the lesson to make it a point that you wouldn’t become like one but you would spread the light because you knew once what darkness felt like. 


Posted by on April 20, 2020 in random thoughts



Everyone’s made mistakes. You can’t deny this and say you’ve never made one because nobody besides God is perfect. It’s human nature to make mistakes and there’s no way to avoid it, but mistakes aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact they’re good. They may not seem like it at the time that it happens, but they are. They’re good because learning experiences come from mistakes. The only way to learn what you did wrong and how to prevent it next time, is to do wrong. Unfortunately there are some mistakes you’ll never get the chance to correct. As much as you wish you could correct them some mistakes are permanent. These are the mistakes you need to learn from so you don’t make them again. My  biggest mistake was hurting the only girl I’ve ever been in love with and letting her go.  I’m about to tell you all the story of this mistake and what I’ve learned from it. Don’t expect a happy ending because I haven’t even got one yet, but I can see life starting to head that way but even that won’t be a happy ending, just a new beginning.

Back In 2008 I saw a girl that I’ve never seen before at school and from that moment on I knew she was what I wanted. As soon as I saw her I leaned over and asked a girl in my class who she was and she proceeded to tell me. Little did I know I’m friends with one of the new girls friends. Her friend literally told me a day before that the new girl thought I was cute. So I got her number and we texted a little bit which lead to us talking in class, well me trying to talk, but her being really shy she didn’t say much. Nothing really sprouted from this at first. Then we started talking more and more and I started developing feelings. Now, she was showing no interest really so I got involved with this other girl, and that didn’t work out well at all. When that ended the new girl started showing a little more and I mean a little interest. So of course we started communicating more, she wouldn’t chill with me or anything but we talked in class everyday. So my feelings were getting stronger and stronger throughout first semester but she still showed minimum interest in me. Since she was showing little interest I thought I’d do somethings to catch her attention. I did some questionable things that I regret, involving trying to get with her friends, kissing maybe one, maybe two of her friends. Which of course she got mad about, this showed me she at least cared a little bit.

Second semester rolled around and I’m all in, I know this is the girl God sent for me it’s without a doubt who I want. She was still shy and she still got nervous around me which I found really cute. We ended up having a class together. I asked her to prom in front of the class and she thought I did it to embarrass her, so she said no and switched out of the class. After that I figured she still wasn’t interested in me so I continued messing with other girls which evidentially made her even more mad than she already was and pushed her away. We eventually got to a solid point in the relationship where both of us having feelings was established. Later on when I realized I loved her, or so I thought at the time I told her. She didn’t say it back. All her friends were telling her lies and some truths about me and also told her I wasn’t a good guy and that she should stay away. Which at that point in my life I wasn’t, I can admit that. Due to this she had lost all trust in me and didn’t believe anything I said because of my past mistakes. She had moved on shortly after and was talking to someone else. I was heartbroken and the whole second half of my senior year was ruined. I was more depressed than I had ever been. Every time I saw her I felt sick to my stomach, teary eyed, and a feeling of sadness just sat in. Every day I would attempt to talk to her and try to make things right. I’d go to her games, try to talk to her in lunch, by her locker, and text her. Nothing worked. Occasionally she would start talking to me but would remember all the wrong I did to her and change her mind quickly.

I left for college in the fall, I thought for sure all of that would be in my past and that it was done. I was wrong. I got through most of the first semester of college without talking to her and was doing fine. One weekend second semester I went home. I was on the way home and I heard one of the songs I showed her, every time I heard that song I thought of her, still do. So I texted her to get dinner and she was down, it was a double date with my friend and his girl. So we went to dinner and she was flirting, holding my hand, and telling me she missed me. That night ended and I asked her to hangout the next night and she was down again, so her, her friend, and I went to eat where her friend’s boy worked. After he got off and we got done eating we drove around and she told me she still loved me. Of course I still loved her so I told her I still loved her too. They ended up needing a place to stay so they stayed with us two. I had never been happier  than I was that night just holding her. So we got up early the next morning and I left for Atlanta. She didn’t talk to me much that weekend hardly at all actually, so I asked what was up, she told me she didn’t mean anything she said when we hung out and to leave her alone. All that just ripped from me. Being told you’re loved and having it ripped from you is one of the worst feelings ever. I was so depressed I took a week off from college just so I’d be home because I didn’t want to be by myself. She told me I needed to move on and there was no chance of us happening and that she didn’t love me anymore. Then a few weeks later told me she had never loved me.

We never truly dated but I was unfaithful, filling her head with lies, and not being patient with her. I hurt the girl I cared about more than anything. I learned a lot though from the mistakes of this relationship. First, you have to give people and relationships time, some people are slow to open up and you have to respect that. Don’t just assume they don’t like you because they have their walls up. Second, everyone deserves someone that’s faithful if you don’t have intentions of being faithful don’t waste their time. Third, fight for those you love and let them know you care every chance you get. You never know when you might lose them. Fourth, always be honest to the person you’re in a relationship with, they will find out the truth, and it’s going to be better for you if they hear the truth from you first. Last, never depend on someone else for your happiness. Doing this gives the other person too much power in the relationship and they will abuse it. Rely on God and yourself for your happiness.

It’s been almost three years since then and every time I come home I end up seeing her wherever I go. I talk to her occasionally but it’s just checking up. I know it’s over and I’m okay with it. I have gotten over being hurt and feeling the depression I had once felt by filling my heart with God’s love and letting him lead me down the right path. With God I feel uplifted and like a new person. I know she wasn’t the one God has sent for me and if she is I know he’ll lead me to her again. I just pray she finds someone who treats her better than I ever did, which shouldn’t be hard. She’ll probably see this scrolling through twitter or her friends will send it to her making fun of me. I’ll probably get judged by many people especially ones who know  who this is about, but so be it. Everyone has that someone that has a hold on them and that they’ll always love and she was it for me. I just wanted to make the story of my toughest relationship public so hopefully someone who may be going through the same thing or has gone through the same thing knows they’re not alone.

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Posted by on April 14, 2020 in random thoughts


Welcome Back

I saw her today, briefly at a glance,
In my typical rush of woe day
I am not sure whether she intended it
After quiet disappearance amidst the crowd
Silence between us took a toll on me, i shall not deny
How often can a man get stimulated mentally
in this day and age of plastic cards and paper trails
Everyone is in a rush somewhere with their missed calls
But i loved our brief moments, walking the black sands
Just being…
And so today, it was a great surprise again
I wondered…
Did i scream too loud into the universe last night?
I missed our good conversations
Anyway, she is back somehow, somewhere… there
I am happy to know she is alive and with kind thoughts
Giving me a sign, presence of his silver lining
Whether intended or not , i briefly saw her
At a glance, passing by in her brisk walk
Right by my corner, right then i felt my smile again .. thank you so much my friend
Welcome back to our black sands


Posted by on April 2, 2020 in random thoughts

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