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The Conversation

“I cant be with u forever.”she whisperd closing her eyes. “Why are u saying that?”he bellowed holding her shaking in his arms. He kissed on the top of her head gathering the bundle of misres in his hands. “No…No”she whimpered pushing him away with her hands.

“What happened?”he held her arms more closer to himself. She traced his tear striken face with her trembling fingers feeling the pain she infused.

“I cant..I am destroying you.”she blinked her tears from her eyes, the eyes which she never used.

“I love you fool !”he yelled as she rubbed the tears from his face which she never saw. “You can’t destroy your life looking after me.” she hussed struggling to free from his grip

“You are my life.” he smiled sadly. She heaved sighly.

“I can’t be a burden on you.”she felt his grip loosen. Although she wanted that to happen her heart wished opposite.

Damm this love!!!!

“Oh!! so you think I have sympathy for you?” she heard his voice, once the happy voic, 

she remained silent

“Listen” he reached before her tucking the hair perfectly. He love those hair of her

“Please. !”she yelled moving sideways only to get hurt on her head.

“Ahhhh!! ” she winced

“Shit cant you see?” he regretted this words “Thats the point I am blind and I m a trouble on you” she groaned tears pouring out of her eyes

“I love you still !” he brushed the wound to clean it with sleeves of his shirt.

“Why ??” she sobbed.

“Love, it is unreasonable..you feel in love in most unexpected time..as I feel for you” she heard his cheerful voice hitting her ears. meanwhile he kneeled down on his knees and said “Baby,I love you from my core of my heart. would you be my better half, would you be grow old with me, would you be at every step of my life with me, would you be my soulmate?” At last she listened to her heart n nodded and that moment she felt cold solid ring between her finger.

“I am your light that guides your way” he whispered moving his lips down and their lips met as he absorbed in her agonies gifting her a shimmering tale to adore vapourizing her insecurities with his love…. 

 
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Posted by on February 22, 2017 in love, random thoughts

 

Teardrops

Two little teardrops were floating down the river of life. One drop said to the other, “I am the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him.” Who are you? “Well, I am the teardrop of the girl who won him.” Love is very strange. Love is unconditional commitment to an imperfect individual. You need it but when you love, it’s like destining yourself for pain. You become addicted and dependent on the person. You become strong and at the same time, you open yourself up to being hurt. Love can make you bear any kind of pain and any kind of sacrifice. It can also make you feel stupid and act stupidly. Sometimes when you love and end up giving so much of yourself, subconsciously you only discover how much you’ve given when the person you love hurts you or has to say goodbye. 

Then you realize, an important part of yourself is already with that person. It goes away when he leaves and you are left with a sickening, empty feeling inside. 

Tears are bound to shed from your eyes no matter how you force yourself to keep them in. Most teardrops ever shed on this earth have been for love or lack of it. When tears dry, a silent loss sticks to your heart for a long, long time. 

Well, that’s what you get for caring so much about someone. But how can you regret it? To give yourself freely and lovingly is the most beautiful thing you can do. Loving makes you real. Loving also makes you cry. And that is why a teardrop is also BEAUTIFUL….

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2017 in random thoughts

 

The Kiss

“You can’t do it.” she teased me.

I was nervous. What if didn’t turn out to be good? What if my throat pretended to be a frog and started making weird noises? What if i sneezed? What if i bit his lip instead of kissing? Fuck! I was nervous? I was fucking scared!

“Shut up!” I said in a not-so-angry manner.

“Nah! Leave it.” she said, patting my hand.

she turned around to leave when i held her hand, gripping it firmly. She turned around. Her eyes met mine. She smiled.

I pulled her tshirt and she fell on top of me, with just an inch of distance between us. I could feel her breath kissing mine. Her hands were on either side of my shoulders, helping her to not completely fall on me. SHe kept looking in my eyes, deep.

I had no idea about the next step. A minute passed. Nothing happend. Another one passed. She just kept looking at me, waiting, patiently. I closed my eyes, gave up on my thoughts and before i could do anything she spoke.

“Open your eyes.” she said.

I opened my eyes. She smiled.

“We just kissed.” she said.

Was i drunk? Of course not! We didn’t kiss!

“What?” I asked, confused.

“We, just kissed.” she said it again.

I did not understand what she meant.

she did kiss my confused lips within a second but i didn’t understand what she meant.
Now I know.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2017 in love

 

Let’s build our foundation in our “Friendship”

​If I only had that one chance to sit down and get to know you.

Our words might exchange to each others eyes but, what about our actions?

I told you I liked you but I am unsure of your answer. 

I feel like a little boy again, crushing off words that never showed.

I feel like a little boy again, smiling at messages and just waiting for that one line I’m dying to see you say.

I feel like a little boy again, waiting to see you in my presence.

If I only had that one chance to be with you for a week and see if our words really fit our actions.

I mean we only went out one time, that was a,temple.

I mean that could count as our time spent together.

You were playing with my ear in the car as we left but, I wasn’t sure if that was you trying to get my attention.

Then I thought about it, maybe it was.

That was our only time together besides high school.

High school, can’t really get to know each other like grown adults because we were in mature.

Now, that we are out I wonder if things change.

Are we still going to beat around the bush like little high school kids and crushing on messages?

Or. ..

Are we going to sit down and actually get to know one another like adults?

I asked you about what do you think of when you see the word foundation in a friendship?

You said the exact words I was looking for.

You told me why you were single.

I mean u can recover from that hurt, I can honestly say.

I recovered from the pain I was feeling in the past.

So….

Let’s build our foundation in our “Friendship”

And

See how this goes.

I’m really feeling your flavor and I can honestly say you are a girl that I am looking for.

Some how you clicked that “add friend” button and found me.

I’m glad you got back in touch with me.

God probably knew I needed you because our conversation has not stopped since that day.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2017 in random thoughts

 

Relationship

A successful relationship is composed of two individuals each with a clearly defined sense of her or his own identity. Without our own understanding of self, of who we are and what makes us unique, it is difficult to engage in the process of an ongoing relationship in a way that is functional and though not always smooth is a safe environment that generally enhances each of the partners. We need a clear sense of self in order to clearly and unambiguously communicate our needs and desires to our partner. When we have a strong conception of our own identity, we do not feel threatened by the intimacy of the relationship and can appreciate and love those qualities in our partner that make him or her a unique person. When two people come together, each with a clear definition of her or his own individuality, the potential for intimacy and commitment can be astounding. The similarities between two people may bring them together, but in an ideal partnership, sometimes called interdependent, their differences are respected and contribute to the growth of their relationship which aids in the growth of the individuals in that relationship.

One feature of a healthy sense of self is the way we understand and work with our emotional boundaries. Personal boundaries are the limits we set in relationships that allow us to protect our selves from being manipulated by, or enmeshed with, emotionally needy others. Such boundaries come from having a good sense of our own self-worth. They make it possible for us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others and to take responsibility for what we think, feel and do. Boundaries are part of the biological imperative of maturation as we individuate and become adult people in our own right. We are, all of us unique, and boundaries allow us to rejoice in our own uniqueness. Healthy intact boundaries are flexible, they allow us to get close to others when it is appropriate and to maintain our distance when we might be harmed by getting too close. Good boundaries protect us from becoming engulfed in abusive relationships and pave the way to achieving true intimacy the flipside of independence, as we grow to interdependence the relationship of two mature individuals. They help us take care of ourselves and if we can receive it, to respect the selves of others.

Unhealthy boundaries are generally as a result of being raised in dysfunctional families where maturation and the individuation process was not properly understood nor the child respected as an individual. In these types of families the unmet needs of parents or other adults are sometimes so overwhelming that the task of raising children is demoted to a secondary role, and dysfunction is the likely result. Consider the role of the father or mother who screams at his/her children or becomes physically, verbally or emotionally abusive with them as a self-centred way of dealing with his/her own stored up anger/grief from their own traumatic childhood. The emotional fallout of these unmet developmental needs, which, depending on the severity of the original pain, is often close to the surface and can be triggered by totally unrelated present circumstances. The pain of their own childhood experiences repressed for so long is felt again, insisting that these experiences be dealt with, relegating the present needs of the children for safety, security, respect and comfort to second place at best. But sometimes because of what they represent and the negative self worth of the parent the child can be perceived as the ‘enemy’ and so dysfunction is passed on from one generation to the next. This is not to say that the childhood experiences of the parent were necessarily horribly abusive, it is just that what may have been acceptable parenting practices in their family of origin for generations were abusive. More often than not these practices and their underlying attitudes were based on false or abusive religio-cultural premises. What the children are likely to learn in this situation is that boundaries don’t matter, that indeed they, as individual human beings, don’t matter except where they are useful for the emotional needs of others. As they grow up in their families of origin, they lack the support they need from parents or caregivers to form a healthy sense of their own identities. their own individuality. In fact, they may learn that to get their needs met they must get their way with others. To do this they need to intrude on the emotional boundaries of other people just as their father or mother may have done. They would in all likelihood grow up with fluid boundaries, that cause them to swing between feelings of engulfment on the one hand and abandonment on the other inevitably leading to dysfunctional relationships later on in life. They would have at best, a hazy sense of their own personal boundaries, not able to properly define where they end and the other begins. Conversely, they may learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be the way to handle their relationships with other people. They wall themselves off in their relationships as a way of protecting their emotional selves, and, as a consequence, will, in all likelihood find it difficult to form lasting close interpersonal bonds with others in adulthood as they are still trying to individuate from their parents. The exception in this is of relationships predicated on the same rigid rule based structure as their family of origin where nothing came into the family or out from it, but in this case the bond is likely to be enmeshment. are generally as a result of being raised in dysfunctional families where maturation and the individuation process was not properly understood nor the child respected as an individual. In these types of families the unmet needs of parents or other adults are sometimes so overwhelming that the task of raising children is demoted to a secondary role, and dysfunction is the likely result. Consider the role of the father or mother who screams at his/her children or becomes physically, verbally or emotionally abusive with them as a self-centred way of dealing with his/her own stored up anger/grief from their own traumatic childhood. The emotional fallout of these unmet developmental needs, which, depending on the severity of the original pain, is often close to the surface and can be triggered by totally unrelated present circumstances. The pain of their own childhood experiences repressed for so long is felt again, insisting that these experiences be dealt with, relegating the present needs of the children for safety, security, respect and comfort to second place at best. But sometimes because of what they represent and the negative self worth of the parent the child can be perceived as the ‘enemy’ and so dysfunction is passed on from one generation to the next. This is not to say that the childhood experiences of the parent were necessarily horribly abusive, it is just that what may have been acceptable parenting practices in their family of origin for generations were abusive. More often than not these practices and their underlying attitudes were based on false or abusive religio-cultural premises. What the children are likely to learn in this situation is that boundaries don’t matter, that indeed they, as individual human beings, don’t matter except where they are useful for the emotional needs of others. As they grow up in their families of origin, they lack the support they need from parents or caregivers to form a healthy sense of their own identities. their own individuality. In fact, they may learn that to get their needs met they must get their way with others. To do this they need to intrude on the emotional boundaries of other people just as their father or mother may have done. They would in all likelihood grow up with fluid boundaries, that cause them to swing between feelings of engulfment on the one hand and abandonment on the other inevitably leading to dysfunctional relationships later on in life. They would have at best, a hazy sense of their own personal boundaries, not able to properly define where they end and the other begins. Conversely, they may learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be the way to handle their relationships with other people. They wall themselves off in their relationships as a way of protecting their emotional selves, and, as a consequence, will, in all likelihood find it difficult to form lasting close interpersonal bonds with others in adulthood as they are still trying to individuate from their parents. The exception in this is of relationships predicated on the same rigid rule based structure as their family of origin where nothing came into the family or out from it, but in this case the bond is likely to be enmeshment.

According to my research i came across the following and some ways in which unhealthy boundaries may show themselves in our relationships, along with some remedies

1.Lack of a Sense of Identity

When we lack a sense of our own identity and the boundaries of the self that protect and define us as individuals, we tend to draw our identities, our sense of self worth from our partner or significant other as we did in the earliest stage of our biological growth in our family of origin, drawing our sense of worth from their perceptions of us. The structure of the relationship in this case is not that of equals in a partnership but that of parent and child. Leading in some cases to that most unequal of relationships, master and slave. It is quite possible that children developing in a family where the important relationship of the parents is an unequal one will be forced to take on roles as either surrogate spouse and/or adopt roles that it is hoped will restore dignity to the family and balance to the system. If we can’t imagine who we would be without our relationship, chances are we come from a dysfunctional family of origin and have learned co-dependent behaviour patterns. Unable to find fulfilment within ourselves we look for such fulfilment in others and are willing to do anything it takes to make the relationship work, just as we may have done in our enmeshed family of origin, even if this means giving up our emotional security, friends, integrity, sense of self-respect or worth, independence, or employment. We may even endure objectification, (an attitude in which we are no longer perceived as feeling human-being but just an object, a part of the family system), in the form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse just to save the relationship.
The more rational alternative is to find out who we are and what makes us unique, and we will rejoice in the freedom of this discovery. We will come to realise that our value and worth as a person is not necessarily dependent on having a significant other in our life, that we can function well as an independent person in our own right. When we move into accepting ourselves for who we really are warts and all, we will be able to accept others for who they are; our relationships and ourselves will actually have a chance to grow into emotionally mature adults able to give freely out of choice and flourish in our new found freedom. This journey of self-discovery can be challenging and painful but highly rewarding. Working with a trained therapist or as part of a support group or a combination of both can provide the structure and support we need to take on this task. But whatever way we may choose the first step is to acknowledge to ourselves, God and possibly another person that our lives as we have tried to control and manage them have become unmanageable. The second is to give ourselves over to the cleansing and renewal processes.

2.Settling for Second Best

We may cling to the irrational belief that things are good enough as they are, we feel a measure of security in the relationship, that change is a difficult and fearful prospect, or that we don’t deserve any better, our life has always been a sacrifice of the self, and that this is as good as it’s likely to get. In the process, however, we give up the chance to be the person we were meant to be and to explore our sense of personal fulfilment in life. We give up not only our own life dreams but our sense of worth in order to maintain the security of a relationship.

A healthy relationship is one in which boundaries are not only strong, but flexible enough, to allow us to flourish with our own uniqueness, but are also known to and respected by each other. There is a sense of respect on the part of both partners that allows each to live as full a life as possible and to explore their own personal potential. We don’t have to give up ourselves for a relationship but can become interdependent. Healthy boundaries allow trust and security to develop in a relationship because they offer an honest and reliable framework by which we can know each other. But if we don’t know where our self ends and the other begins it is impossible.

3.Over-Responsibility and Guilt

One characteristic of growing up in a dysfunctional household is that we may learn to feel guilty if we fail to ensure the success and happiness of other members of the household. We may feel responsible or be made to feel responsible for the failure or unhappiness of others. Thus, in adulthood, we may come to feel or be made to feel responsible for our partner’s failures. The guilt we feel when our partner fails may drive us to keep tearing down our personal boundaries so that we are always available to the other person. When we feel the pain, the guilt, the anger of being overly responsible for another person’s behaviour or life experiences, we may seek alleviate this feeling by rescuing them from the consequences of their behaviour as we learned in our family of origin. Thereby depriving them of one of the most important features of an independent, healthy and mature life, the ability to make our own life choices, accepting the responsibility for and the consequences of our/their decisions. Or we may bear the burden of their unacceptable behaviour for many years.

A healthier response is to show our partners respect by allowing them to succeed or fail on their own terms. You, of course, may choose to support your partner’s fulfilment of life goals but it is unhealthy to rescue them from all of life’s consequences. When you do agree to help ask yourself two questions is it something they can do for themselves? and, do I resent the giving of my own resources (self, time, money, etc.)? This may be a difficult choice if we have confused love with rescue. You can be there to comfort or encourage your partner when times become difficult, and you can rejoice with them when success is the outcome. When boundaries are healthy, you are able to say, I trust and respect you to make your own life choices. As my equal partner, I will not try to control you by taking away your choices in life.

4.The Difference Between Love and Rescue

People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may fail to learn the difference between love and sympathy. Children growing up in these conditions may learn to have sympathy for the emotional crippling in their parents lives and feel that the only time they get attention is when they show compassion for the parent. They feel that when they forgive, they are showing love. Actually, they are rescuing the parent and enabling abusive behaviour to continue. They learn to give up their own protective boundaries in order to take care of the dysfunctioning parent, becoming a surrogate co-dependent spouse. In adulthood, they carry these learned behaviours into their own relationships. If they can rescue their partner from the consequences of their behaviour, they feel that they are showing love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping their partner, a feeling they call love. But this may actually encourage their partner to become needy and helpless enabling the negative behaviour to continue. An imbalance can then occur in the relationship in which one partner becomes the rescuer or enabler and the other plays the role of the helpless victim. In this case, healthy boundaries which allow both partners to live complete lives are absent. Mature love requires the presence of healthy, flexible boundaries.

Sympathy and compassion are worthy qualities, but they can be confused with love, especially when boundaries have become distorted or are virtually non existent. Healthy boundaries lead to respect for the other and equality in a relationship, an appreciation for the aliveness and strength of the other person, and a mutual flow of feelings between the two partners, all features of mature love. When one partner is in control and the other is needy and helpless, there is no room for the give-and-take of a healthy relationship.

5.Fantasy vs. Reality

Children from highly dysfunctional households often feel that things will get better someday, that a ‘normal’ life may lie in the future. Indeed, some days things are fairly ‘normal’, but then the bad times return again. It’s the normal days that encourage the fantasy that all problems in the family might someday be solved. This is a common cycle in highly dysfunctional families. When they grow up, these adults carry the same types of fantasy into their relationships. They may portray to others the myth that they have the perfect relationship and they may believe, to themselves, that someday all of their relationship problems will somehow be solved. They ignore the abuse, manipulation, imbalance and control in the relationship. By ignoring the problems, they are unable to confront them and the fantasy of a happier future never comes to pass.

Unhealthy boundaries, where we collude with our partner in believing the myth that everything is fine, make it difficult to come to terms with the troubles of the relationship.

Healthy boundaries allow us to test reality rather than rely on fantasy. When problems are present, good emotional boundaries allow us to define the problems and to communicate with our partner in finding solutions. They encourage a healthy self-image, trust, consistency, stability and productive communicat

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on February 15, 2017 in random thoughts

 

some people simply are not meant to stay forever

​We have all fallen for temporary people.
They come as swiftly as they go from our lives; with their reeling minds and striking bodies and genuine, wide-open hearts. They are hurricanes and madness and wrecking balls; they’re sunshine and blissful surrenders.
We want to shelter ourselves from the storms that these people embody but we also want to walk right into the center of them. We want their chaos and their madness; we want it the way others once wanted ours.
We are advised not to fall for these people. And yet we do, knowing full well we can’t keep them. How could we not, after all?
We want their nows and forevers. We want their sleepy half-smiles over coffee every morning and their sturdy arms to lull us to sleep. We want their wine-drunk Saturday evenings and their lazy Sunday mornings. We want their words and their silences; their downfalls and their strengths. We want the whole of the people we love but we’re sometimes only given a fraction. And so here’s what we do with that instead.
When we don’t get to hold on to the people we love, we wrap their memories in between our heartstrings and we carry them with us. We remember the lilt of their laughter on the days when the rain comes pouring down. We envision the curves of their skin when we need to know that all is not lost. We take the moments we share with these people and we freeze them, we immortalize them, we keep them preserved and alive inside the ancient museums of our minds.
Because love doesn’t need to last forever in order to make a lasting impression.
We don’t need to curse and resent and forget the people life didn’t let us hold onto. We don’t have to rid ourselves of their impressions and shelter ourselves from their impact. We’re allowed to let them in. We’re allowed to let them matter. We’re allowed to engage in the temporary foolishness of falling for someone who is not going to be left holding our crippled, wrinkled hand fifty years down the road.
Because some people simply are not meant to stay forever. Some people come into our lives for a season, for a reason, for the simple purpose of showing us the world in a way we would never have seen it otherwise.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2017 in random thoughts

 

​ Dont Miss Me quietly 

Don’t miss me at 3AM when the house is filled with the hum of voices, the lights dance on the walls, and beer cans cover every surface. Don’t miss me when the music pulses in your ear drums and you’re surrounded by so many hands, so many bodies, so many faces, but still feel so empty. 

Don’t miss me when the sky is barely light and you reach across the bed for me, touch the cool fabric of the pillow where my head used to rest. 

Don’t miss me when you should be sleeping, when you know I’ve already gone to bed, miles and miles away. 

Don’t miss me quietly. Not your head as our song ques on the radio. Not when the shower water sends goosebumps down your back. Not when you walk through town and see the place where we first kissed, outside your old apartment in the glow of the faded streetlight. 

Don’t miss me timidly, with words that only cross your mind, notes written but never sent, messages saved as drafts. No, miss me loudly. Shouts, screams, statuses, regrets spoken to life on your lips, the lips of everyone we know. I want to feel that you miss me in the core of my soul, feel your longing like an ache in my bones. 

I don’t want that 3AM kind of lonely, the scared to say anything, the missing me solely because you’re in the dark with only our memories to keep you company. 

I want to feel that you miss me in the core of my soul, feel your longing like an ache in my bones.

I want you to miss me like a pull in your chest you can’t get rid of, an ever-pressing thought, not just late at night, but in the middle of the day when you’re sitting down to lunch and look out the window at the sunshine and are reminded of you and I skipping rocks by the pond. 

I don’t want you to miss me quietly. In the words you never say, in the pain you hide behind closed blinds and blank faces and shots of bourbon lined up on the table. 

I want to know. Want to know that you’re still there somewhere—that heart, that mischievous grin. And I want to know that you miss me too, loudly, like words transferred from mind to page, given to the world to see

 
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Posted by on February 12, 2017 in love, random thoughts

 
 
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