Unlike soldiers called to war, we have no army to support our call.
With blind abandonment, we travel into the castle of our soles. There is no light, no sound, nothing but the sense that we must move forward and enter this castle and knock upon each Chamber’s door.
There are many chambers and many doors within this castle we call the soul. Without reason or, sense of normality, on we go, through each chamber’s darkened, door.
Each chamber contains a story, some filled with glory, some filled with shame and pain. We do not know what we will find, but still we go through each Chamber’s door. With nothing but our poet’s pen in hand, prepared to write in great detail, about all we find within. There is no light to guide our way, no sound to replace the loss of sight, yet, still we search and strive to find and knock upon each chamber’s door.
The poet has no protection save the pen, and without hesitation, walks through each chamber’s door.., Sometimes we shake and tremble, sometimes we feel no fear at all, its always different, its never the same, for there are many chambers and many doors, within this castle of our sole.
I came upon one chamber door and sensed I’d been here, once before. Suddenly, I felt such fear, so all alone and knew there was great danger near. It must have been the power in my poet’s pen, held tightly in my shaking hand, that began to tap upon this chamber door. My God, My God, what are you doing? This I asked of my poetic friend, surely, we will both die, if your tapping gets us through this chamber’s door! I fear, I fear, I have been at this chamber door before and know what lies within!
I shook my hand, hoping to free myself from this poet’s pen, I cried out loud and tears of fear filled my eyes, don’t, don’t, God please, don’t let us in! However, to no avail from my God or my poet’s pen, both God and pen, walked right through my words and pulled me in kicking and screaming, through this chamber’s door.
If I could but find a way to escape this castle of my soul with all its horrors, hidden behind so many chamber doors, I swear, I will never write again and forever, would abandon this curse of curses called the Poet’s Pen.
Without mercy, without concern for my safety, I was cast through this darkened, chamber’s door. The chamber was dark at first, then slowly, almost softly, there was this light, it filled my chamber of fear and revealed, every single person that I have ever loved, every friend I ever had, every kind word ever spoken to me, I heard and saw them all again. Every warm, sunny day, filled with fun and love, I lived once again. All this I was given in an instant, all of this was behind this chamber door I had feared so much, just a few minutes before.
One other thing I saw, laying on a table was this solid gold pen, its tip was a diamond, the brightest and most brilliant light I had ever seen radiated from the tip of this solid gold pen.
As I approached this heavenly sight, I noticed there was a piece of paper, like a note one would leave for a friend. Upon it was written in solid gold these words…,
“You are a poet, I am your pen, never lose faith in me again.”
Unlike soldiers called to war, we have no army to support our call.
Go on.. Cry, let it all out.. I understand the hurt, I understand the pain.. The way your heart aches inside your chest and there is no relief, I know how it feels to give your all to someone and never get shit back.. To sacrifice your own happiness and do anything just to see them smile, breaking your back and jumping through hoops just to give them everything you think they would ever need.. I know what it feels like to break down when you finally can’t take it any longer, when you finally realize it will never work and all your time and efforts were wasted for nothing.. I know how it feels when your broken heart sinks a little deeper in your chest and the fear of realization creeps into your mind.. That point where you lose all control and the tears steadily begin to flow.. I know it hurts, I know you feel right now like the world might end, but I promise it wont, I promise your life isn’t over and I promise who ever did this to you they weren’t the one.. You lost yourself in them you see, you lost your smile, that radiant glow you used to have.. You lost your lust for life and the love you had for yourself.. Can’t you see how they destroyed you, but only because you let them, can’t you see that’s just not love, its what we call a lesson.. So cry your tears then wipe those eyes, brush yourself off and fix your make up.. Here bend down a bit let me straighten out your crown, shush those lips and dont make a sound.. That’s more like it now just remember your a Queen, now run along and be one and stop fucking with prince charming, get yourself a King..
The reason for your unhappiness is your partner doesn’t reciprocate said efforts consistently like you do and it’s been this way for quite sometime.. You know they aren’t going to change, you know this is the best it will ever be, you know you got yourself stuck in a toxic situation and you are holding on to someone who was only meant to be a lesson for you.. You know all these things, but you’re still going around complaining about your situation and asking folks what to do.. Well let’s be perfectly honest here then because I was once in your shoes.. The only thing you really care about right now is the attention you get from other people where you haven’t been getting it from your partner, your lack of self love has lead you from focusing on finding yourself in one person, and when you didn’t find it in them your focus turned to everyone else.. Never once did you stop and think that everything you’ve been searching for in all the wrong places could only be found in you.. It is time to LOVE YOU.. It is time to remove yourself from these people and these toxic situations we have all fallen victim to at one time or another.. Let today be YOUR day, let it be the day where you decide that enough is enough and you’ve settled for less than you deserve and what you truly want for far too long.. There are NO RULES for this shit, if you make mistakes you simply learn from them and MOVE ON.. It seems the moving on part has always been the hardest thing for us to do..
The thing about walls is they begin before you do. So as you begin to form in the womb, nature’s instinct is to immediately keep you in and the world out, all at once. From that moment we’re taught that to protect yourself you need to be on the inside and keep everything else on the outside. Until you’re ready. Strong enough. Equipped. Ready to deal with whatever awaits you when you venture beyond your confines. So life begins as a battle of wits and curiosity. To outsmart whatever is on the other side of the wall whilst trying to figure out what the other side actually is. How much wall is too much wall? How much is not enough? What will happen if I let her in? Where will it go if I keep her out? Who is worth being on the inside? What do I regret keeping out? And so we get two types of people: those with hedonistic reckless abandon who couldn’t give a fuck about the wall and believe the best form of defence is attack. The ones who create their own wall and tell you how to build yours. The cheats, the players, the game makers and changers. And then there’s the second type. The ones who spend their whole life trying to second guess how much wall was enough to keep the first type interested. Which brick it should have been? How high? What colour? The ones who compromise and give. Follow and forgive. Keep love and relationships ticking over. And so this cat and mouse game continues as you pass through the full cycle of life to another set of four walls. The last four walls. And it’s then I sometimes wish I could ask those people, at that moment, that in all their years of walls and guards and barriers – which option had really, truly served them best? Which of the two people they had eventually become?”
it was a dream,
woven with love and care,
it was a dream,
turned to reality, they shared,
dream grew in to tree, so tall
with time, with the insults
grew stronger like a wall,
it knew it’s fate,
it knew it’s past,
but it put up it’s shoes,
and moulded in to it’s cast……
little was the dream,
but bigger it aimed,
like a candid picture framed,
it never wanted to be tamed,
but, the world was not that space,
it was not a safe place,
they tamed it, put it behind the bars,
to rescue it from the cruel war,
but it found it’s way out,
it’s rebel was it’s silent shout,
after all,through the hard times,it survived
this rejected dream always revived…
If I only had that one chance to sit down and get to know you.
Our words might exchange to each others eyes but, what about our actions?
I told you I liked you but I am unsure of your answer.
I feel like a little boy again, crushing off words that never showed.
I feel like a little boy again, smiling at messages and just waiting for that one line I’m dying to see you say.
I feel like a little boy again, waiting to see you in my presence.
If I only had that one chance to be with you for a week and see if our words really fit our actions.
I mean we only went out one time, that was a,temple.
I mean that could count as our time spent together.
You were playing with my ear on the bike as we left but, I wasn’t sure if that was you trying to get my attention.
Then I thought about it, maybe it was.
That was our only time together besides high school.
High school, can’t really get to know each other like grown adults because we were in mature.
Now, that we are out I wonder if things change.
Are we still going to beat around the bush like little high school kids and crushing on messages?
Are we going to sit down and actually get to know one another like adults?
I asked you about what do you think of when you see the word foundation in a friendship?
You said the exact words I was looking for.
You told me why you were single.
I mean u can recover from that hurt, I can honestly say.
I recovered from the pain I was feeling in the past.
Let’s build our foundation in our “Friendship”
See how this goes.
I’m really feeling your flavor and I can honestly say you are a girl that I am looking for.
Some how you clicked that “add friend” button and found me.
I’m glad you got back in touch with me.
God probably knew I needed you because our conversation has not stopped since that day.
I find it fascinating how I could occasionally write so freely . How the words would flow right out my fingertips without the usual frown that accompanied most ideas. It is as if all those times there had been a wall standing tall in the middle of my thoughts and insecurities, hiding one and pushing one into existence. And I swear, when I would close my eyes; I could see that wall. Barely noticeable, yet never diffusing.
This is one of those times, I feel an electric charge at the tip of my hands as though the words are begging to be let out, to be freed, to see the light of day or more honestly; the light of my barely lit room.
I envied people. For always knowing exactly what to say and what do, in situations where I would most definitely halt . For being ignorant yet maintaining their happiness. How could such atrocities feel joy while I could in fact; not. Why must I be haunted by the same thoughts but at the same time feel as though I was not. What is that feeling called? I have searched relentlessly through books, in the hope of finding a relatable sense. To be and not to be at the same time? To think and not think all at once?
Where is the question dearest Shakespeare? Does it lay with the answer to my troubles? Or would it only trouble the water I barely foresee.