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A wanderer in the wilderness

I have been scrolling through my previous blog entries for a couple of days now, even those dating back from three years ago. Who would have thought I would be so different now from the Boy I used to be?

There was just so much anger. I never thought I’d say this but I really was a very much ignored . After reading those entries, I decided to just delete a lot of them. Mainly because I realized I was so stupid when I decided to write them. I was a teenager. There was just too much angst, so much emotion and too little experience. It felt like I was a stranger going through somebody else’s personal notes. It felt so foreign to me that I can’t even remember writing some of them and even worse, why I wrote them. But where I should have felt shame, there was pride.

Stagnant. That would be the perfect word to describe my life if someone would have asked me a few days ago. After looking back and really reliving the emotions that heedlessly consumed me during the darkest days of growing up, I came to think that I did get somewhere. That the current of life led me where I am today. This may not be the destination that I wanted myself to be in three years ago but knowing that I’m somewhere is actually better than the thought of being nowhere. And knowing that I am nowhere near where I used to be makes it feel alright.

People would usually say that ‘God has plans’. Before, I would have said at the back of my mind that yeah, God has plans because that one time He gave you a chance to plan for yourself, you screwed it up. Seeing my former self with different eyes now changed the way I see everything I’ve been through. Maybe I was destined to feel pain so that I would know what happiness would feel like. What if God wanted me to feel alone so that I could appreciate the people who would come my way? What if indeed there was a plan?

I may not see it now but maybe someday I’d get to finish the story of my life and when I get the chance to read it, I’ll see commas I’ll realize that the pauses in every sentence I made were not meant to make my story incomprehensible, but to the contrary, they made it even more meaningful.

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Posted by on April 12, 2019 in random thoughts

 

A Big Thanks To You All

Thank you lovelies.

I may not reply to all the coments much , but they mean so much to me i can’t even put into words. I always loved writing and actually started posting them . I remember every single second i’ve spent writing down whatever I have. All the pain and hurt and sadness comes right back at me when I read what i wrote because I remember every reason I wrote it and I kept writing because it helped through a lot! It helped me get everything out of my heart and put all my emotions in words and it got easier for me to accept things once I read whats on my mind on a paper. I never really think of myself to be any good at this, nor would i ever classify myself as a. Good writer and I really hate when people compare them self with me i know that I am not that gud in writing . I just write because I love to, because it’s my passion and I want people to know that whatever they are going through, they are not alone. You lovelies, I mean… you all make my day with your comments and messages. How you all love what I write and appreciate it and relate to it and support me. It makes my bad days good and good days a thousand times better. I come here and read everything you all have ever written to me because it makes me smile this big huge smile! And i feel appreciated and good about something for once. I remember how i once lost all hope and i got the cutest words coming from you all, it was one of the best thing. For all this, i literally can not thank you all enough for the little things that matter the most.
I love you all so much


 
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Posted by on March 4, 2019 in random thoughts

 

Will You Marry Me

He sat on the shore and let the saline air hit his face and body. The blue light being scattered away, the sky was filled with a red orange glow. The sun was setting into the horizon, creating quiet a scene that no one could resist looking at the beauty of it.

But, his eyes were not looking at the wonderful sight, they were actually staring into the distance. His thoughts were filled with her, her smile, her eyes, her visage. He shook his head trying to clear his mind. “Enough is enough”, he thought.
His vision now not being blinded by his thoughts, he tried to chew in his surroundings. He noticed the light blaze in the dusking sky. It looked like the light was slowly fading, taking away all the beauty from the sky. Something made him metaphorize this to his own life. His thoughts immediately drifted to her. He imagined how his sky would be if his light faded away. The anxiety and the insecure feeling that came from this thought made him realize what a fool he was to let her go. He glanced at his watch, he still had like 15min to reach her, before she left town for college. “If she leaves before I reach her, that’s it she’s gone forever “, he thought. He stood up on his feet, tightened his shoe laces and started running. He ran like his life depended on that. Who is he kidding? Of course, his life depended on it, she was his life. He did not slow down his pace, until he saw the blue Corolla parked outside the gate. He finally saw her, trying with great effort to lift the huge luggage to put it in the trunk. He walked towards her, trying not to attract any attention.
“Lemme do it”, he told and gently grabbed the bag from her hand. She turned around after giving out a loud squeak, shock taking over her beautiful face. He placed the bag on the trunk and looked at her.
“What are you doing here?”, she questioned him, placing her hands on her hips and adding an extra effect to the dramatism.
“Came to see you of course”, he told in a very casual tone with a pinch of desperation in it.
“I thought we….”, she started
“Ended things, I know”, he cut in.
He felt that there was no time to waste or any chances to take. He thought the only option was to do something which would swipe her off her heel. He bent on his knee and held her hand.
“Sweetheart, I know we are terrible for each other. I know we fight every living hour. I also know that this would continue. But I also happen to know that, I am crazily, madly and uncontrollably in love with you and you know why? It’s ‘cuz of the fights we have and the way the intensity of our love grows with each and every fight. I know this is too much but I also happen to know one more thing. I wanna spend my life with you. I want you by my side every single day. I wanna marry you. So please, will you marry me?”, he finished his proposal without a pause and looked at her. He noticed her eyes turn glossy. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but hesitated.
“I’m sorry, I don’t have a ring right now”, he added and looked at her, expectantly. She bent down and slowly, smoothly, swiftly placed her lips over his. Well, that’s all he needed for an approval!

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2019 in random thoughts

 

Happy Valentine’s Day

“You and me, together forever.” I read the caption and laughed. It was my friend’s picture with his girlfriend on instagram. It was like the four time I saw him post the same caption.The highlighting part
was that it were with four different girls.
I could see the new generation arriving with a new lifestyle and which will lead to a new topic to discuss in the near future. “Boyfriend/Girlfriend – A boon or a bane?” Lol! Just kidding!
Fine, where do I start? Okay, let’s start with the most used word in the world. Love!
Love? Is it too much to handle for an individual? I haven’t had any opinion like that before. But slowly I’ve started to stay with that comment or whatever. It has become a necessity to every youngster to have a girlfriend/boyfriend simply because his/her friend has one. I would rather call this sheer stupidity. A couple of question that haunts me so much is, Why such quick and immatured moves in life at an age, where the world is so vast to learn and explore? Why search for a mate to just pass your time? Why get deep into a relationship and get physical in a short span of time?
Let me make it clear that I am not against love. I am a kind of a person who worships that feeling. And I strongly believe that its divine. Because if my mom can show the same amount of love for 28 years, from her womb, (it has never decreased and will never ever come down) it ought to be divine. But I have seen some really good relationships that ends on a happy note. They understand each other so well that their affair stays like a carbon-carbon bond; Extremely strong and impossible to seperate. Love is also something that is universal and common to everyone. If I have a sister/brother who likes, support, and care about me that is a form of love. A Dad putting his hand on his son/daughter’s shoulders and giving him moral support; That is also love. If your dog wags his tail and licks your face, it is also love. That is why people brand love as “pure and divine”. My question is, “Why spoil such a holy thing with your infatuation?” “Why bring a bad name to it and make parents believe that its worse than their own life problems?” “Why spoil a boy’s/girl’s life with bad intuitions?”
Cons apart, to all those lovely couples out there, Happy happy happy Valentines day. Wish you all happiness and tons of love so that you still stay crazily in love with rach other. Its like cooking people. You just need to follow and add the correct ingredients; Small fights, null egos and lots of love.
To all fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts and yeah, also to all my amazing FRIENDS. Valentines day wishes. Lets spread Love, Love and only Love. Adios!

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2019 in random thoughts

 

Moment of Love

Time freezes, the world stops and life momentarily ceases to exist.. Everyone and everything seems to disappear and all that is left is you and I.. Nothing else seems to matter anymore, nothing else seems important.. As I stand here frozen somewhere between space and time I begin to crave your body, I wish to make it mine.. As you strip for me and lay back on the bed a million nasty thoughts of what I’m about to do to you run swiftly through my head.. You motion me to come closer with your finger and bite your lip, and I try my best not to become lost in your eyes. As I rip my clothes off and crawl onto the bed positioning my hips right between your thighs. Forcing your legs up in the air a bit so your feet wrap around my waist. I lean down to kiss your lips and you wrap your arms around my neck pulling me in closer, I kiss my way down to your neck making my way to your chest.. Teasing you with my tongue, sucking them causing them to become erect. I feel you start to whine your hips against mine, teasing me with your wetness I feel it and start to throb and become stiff between my legs. Longing, craving to be inside of you.. I take your hands and lock your fingers together so I can pin your arms above your head with one hand, and with the other, I reach down and start to guide myself in your tight, dripping aquafina. At first driving you crazy as I tease you with just the tip, flicking it back and forth stimulating your already sensitive clit.. As I penetrate you I reach up and grab your neck forcing you to look me in my eyes, careful not to blink even for a second so I can see the expression on your face as I go deeper inside you slowly, forcing you to take every inch.. You resist the urge to roll your eyes back and all you can do is moan and bite your lips.. As I press my hips up against the back of your thighs reaching as deep as I can go I lean in to kiss your lips once more, thrusting myself slowly in and out of your tight pussy and every time I do I feel your walls clench a little tighter around my cock.. Your arms still wrapped around my neck I feel your nails dig deep into my flesh, the pain mixed with pleasure is enough to drive me insane, I feel myself losing control.. Lifting your legs back more bending your knees till they touch your chest, my hands gripping tightly on the back of your thighs as I keep looking in your eyes increasing the speed and length of my strokes.. Your moans get louder until they turn to screams, my name escaping from your lips when you can no longer hold it in.. “Fuck Baby keep going just like that baby you’re gonna make me cum, this Sugar Walls is gonna cum for you ..” Like music to my ears your words simply run right through me almost as if you aren’t speaking to me at all, but instead speaking to my soul.. Leaning into you again to kiss your lips one last time, your legs pressed back still, your body trapped underneath me and completely at my mercy.. Its as if the spark of our kiss ignites a fuse and the countdown to your release begins.. Your legs begin to shake and your nails dig deeper into my skin, your moans slip out from between our lips locked together and you flex every muscle in your body.. Everything stops, my heart feels as though for a moment it does not beat, and then it happens, you release..My head on your chest, feeling your heart beat so fast as if it is trying to escape from your body.. Using the last of your strength to wrap your arms around me and run your fingers through my hair.. As I kiss and lick the sweat from your skin, still trying to catch my breath as I breath you in.. My lips pressed firmly against your flesh my eyes closed but I do not fall asleep, I’d rather stay awake and enjoy the warmth if your embrace, this is better than my dreams..

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2019 in random thoughts

 

How do you deal with feelings of writer jealousy?

We’ve all been there.

Your classmate’s story is praised in workshop, while yours is torn apart.

“Poorly written” romances dominate best-seller lists, while your science fiction novel languishes in Amazon’s 2,000,000 ranking spot.

The author you follow on Instagram posts their third cover reveal this year, while you struggle to finish your manuscript.

There’s a thousand ways that we writers experience jealousy of other authors. We constantly compare ourselves to our peers in writing groups, our Internet friends, or the hallowed greats like Stephen King. We long for the secret to their success. How do they write a first draft so quickly? How do they have so many Pinterest followers? Where do they find time to publish and write a daily blog?

We take other writers’ successes as inherent failures in ourselves as creatives.

Let me get personal for a minute. Throughout graduation and post graduation , I longed to be a writer, but I hardly ever wrote. I seethed with self-loathing and jealousy in equal amounts. As I became more entwined in the literary community, I saw myself in competition with other aspiring writers. With each person’s success, I thought one more seat on the bus to authordom had been snatched from me. Around senior year of college, I finally wised up.

But others I know didn’t. I’ve lost friends over jealousy and unnecessary feelings of competition. I’ve had close friends flat-out ignore my writing career. I’ve had acquaintances insult or downplay my abilities in order to praise their own. It sucks. It hurts. And I don’t want it to happen to anyone else.

Why do we feel jealousy?

Easy: because other writers have what we want. Be it a publishing contract, a movie deal, or even just a finished manuscript, if you want it, some writer has already accomplished it. When I used to see a more successful writer, I would instantly translate that into: “Well, shit. I’m so far behind. I’m never going to amount to anything.” OR “They don’t deserve X. They just got lucky. Why can’t anyone see what a talentless hack they are?”

The good news? I don’t ride either of those thought trains anymore. In fact, the moment I feel a twinge of jealousy, I actually get really excited. Why?

Because when channeled properly, jealousy can be a force for good.

The positive side of jealousy

Jealousy and competition are natural human feelings. If you acknowledge them and channel their energy into something positive, it can be motivating for you. The next time you feel jealous, take a moment to deconstruct your emotions and get down to what’s really bothering you. But don’t stop there: make a plan to fix the real issue so that this doesn’t happen again.

Here is how my jealous moments play out now:

  1. Address the feeling: Okay, Ajay. You’re feeling jealous.
  2. Forgive yourself: That’s okay! You’re human. It happens.
  3. Find the “what:” Let’s see. I’m jealous that this author started writing a book after me, but is publishing it before I publish mine.
  4. Find the “why:” I wish my book were ready to publish.
  5. Take responsibility and make a plan: Well, what can you do to make that happen? How about we turn off Netflix and do some revising? Let’s eat out one less night a week so we can afford an editor. Let’s stop being nervous and contact the cover designer.
  6. Ride the high: Awesome, I know exactly what to do! I just have to be patient and work hard. I’m going to write right now.

Ways to handle jealousy

Notice this section is not titled “ways to quit being jealous.” That’s probably never going to happen. There will always be someone more successful than you. There will always be something you want that someone else has already achieved. But, there are ways to handle your jealousy in a healthy manner.

Act in opposition to your feelings. A writer friend on Facebook posts that they’ve signed with an agent? Like the post or write a supportive comment. At first, you can console yourself with the smug satisfaction that you were “the bigger person” in the competition your mind constructed. Eventually, your gut reaction will change to genuine excitement for them. I promise.

Figure out how they did it. I want to be Joanna Penn so bad it hurts. She writes kick-ass fiction books, super-helpful nonfiction books, and is a beloved authority figure in the self-publishing community. But instead of hating her and avoiding her, I follow her progress. I read her books. I read the articles she posts. And you know what? I’m learning how to create a career like hers, one step at a time.

Do something about it. If you have a moment of jealousy, then you know what you want. It frustrates you that your writer friend has a finished book and you don’t? Go write your damn book. That Twitter author has better sales than you? Read up on book marketing and business strategy, arrange advertising or book reviews, or publish more books. Outside circumstances may prevent you from achieving 100% of your goals, but if you’re not putting 100% of possible effort in, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Remember that someone out there is jealous of you. If there is someone ahead of you, then there must be someone behind you. Maybe you don’t make enough money to write full-time yet, but there is a writer out there who has only one book published who envies your five-book series. Moreover, the person of whom you are jealous was once in your position. Keep it all in perspective.

Be kind to yourself. Often, jealousy goes hand-in-hand with feelings of inadequacy. If you are nicer to yourself throughout the entire creative process (keeping your inner critic quiet during drafting, forgiving yourself for missing your word count goal on a busy day, etc.), your self-respect will grow. When it is healthy and happy, you are less likely to be dragged down by bitterness.

And if all else fails? Step away from the situation and eat some ice cream. It really does make everything better.


How do you deal with feelings of writer jealousy? What do your moments of jealousy reveal about your goals? Share your experiences in the comments.

 
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Posted by on January 6, 2019 in random thoughts

 

From Pizza with Love

I munched the cheese sandwich and forced it down my throat. It tasted like cardboard and I could literally feel it passing over to my empty stomach. My thoughts were occupied by an infuriating girl.
It had been that way since the day I met her. I could feel the tears collecting over my eyelashes. I missed her. I missed her smell. I missed her eyes. I missed her voice. Hell, I even missed the sound of her breath. It had been two solid days, since we last spoke. The two greatest things that life had given me was: her love and football. So, I tried to distract myself by indulging my body and mind with football. But football couldn’t keep her off my mind. I was out of focus the entire time I spent at the field. My teammates seemed to be disappointed with my performance, I myself felt disappointed with it, but I couldn’t help it. All my attempts to forget her ended up in vain. So I finally gave up and spent my every second of every day with her thoughts hovering my mind. Her presence made me feel alive, it made me a better version of myself. I was madly in love with her. Her eyes held a spark that no girl could possibly have. Even thinking about it made me feel alive. It made me feel sense, sense of what an idiot I was to let her go. That sense made me feel disgusted over myself for sitting and munching a bad cheese sandwich and feeling depressed that she left me instead of trying to get her back. She was my life, how could I live without her?
I made up my mind that I simply could not live in depression and quickly got up from the chair and walked towards the garage. I could hear my mother’s distant voice asking me what I was upto. I didn’t bother to reply, I just waved my hands at her, signalling a bye and drove the car out. It took me a while to realize that her anger on me was at its peak. I had to do something that would make her forget the anger. I tried to recall the million moments she and I shared together, searching for that one thing which will make her get out off the anger. Then, it striked to me, food. She loves eating. I wanted to make that whole apology scenario a little funny, yet it must prove my point. It must show how sorry I was. I ran through the events that happened that day, from eating a sandwich to feeling depressed to thinking about her eyes to the spark that made me feel sense. She encouraged me into that and suddenly, I felt how lucky I was to have met her. I could not let her go and I will not. My mind got out of the thought process and started jotting down the endless list of food items she loved the most. I tried to pick a few which held an emotional or memorable meaning to both of us and the obvious answer was, pizza. Our first date was to a pizza place. I recalled the way her face lit up when the waiter had placed the dish on our table. She savoured each and every mouth of it, her face etched with a smile throughout the entire evening. I even remember how she politely thanked the waiter for serving us. I fell for her madly, that day.
I drove my way to the same pizza place and placed an order for a customized pizza. I asked them to add all the toppings I knew she’d love. I payed for the pizza and left the place. I then drove to an English Café known for it’s cheese cakes. She was the one who brought me there first and I instantly got addicted to the taste of the cheese cake. I bought two of those and placed them in the passenger seat of my car, next to the pizza box. I took a pen out of the dashboard and opened the pizza box. The smell of the pizza filled my nostrils, it was wonderful and I was sure that she’d love it. I wrote a ‘Sorry’ message at the inside of the opened lid and drew a heart around it. It looked perfect. I closed the box and drove my way to her house. Within minutes, I reached the street where her house was located. As I entered the street, I could see a car parked infront of her house. I then saw her parents getting into the car, followed by her brother. I silently prayed that she mustn’t go with them because then I’d have to eat the pizza and cheese cake all by myself. All my plan would go for a waste. My prayers didn’t go in vain, she stood at a distance and waved a good-bye to her family. The situation couldn’t be more perfect. I mentally did a somersault and waited for the car to leave the place. After the car left, I slowly drove towards the house and looked out for signs of other people. After few minutes of scanning the locality, I was quiet sure that she was alone. I went towards the door with the pizza and cheese cakes in my hand. I took a minute before ringing the bell to open the box and place the cheese cake on either side of the pizza. I rang the bell and the 20 seconds wait was the longest wait ever! The door opened with a click. She looked so pretty. She was dressed in a grey T-shirt and white tracks. Her eyes never failed to mesmerize me. I mentally whistled at how beautiful she looked. I quickly got out of the stance and studied her expression. It was null. I could make out nothing from it. Her eyes racked slowly towards the box in my hand and I swear that I saw a faint smile play over her lips. It was a good sign. I quickly bent on my knees and said,
“Please forgive me. I simply can’t live without you”, and put on the best innocent smile I could. Her expression was still null. A part of me started losing hope that she’d forgive me. Just as I started thinking that all this was for a waste, her expression slowly changed to a smile and she started laughing. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. She took the pizza box from my hand and gently placed her lips on mine. The kiss was gentle and soft. I placed my hands on her waist and kissed her with equal intensity. After a while, she took her lips off mine and said, “I wouldn’t have forgiven you if it was not for the pizza”.
“So, you love pizza more than me?”, I countered.
“Apparently, yes.”, she replied with a mock attitudish tone.
I smiled with relief, realizing that she was back being her old self.
“You may come in.”, she said with the same tone and turned around.
We were back again, so I had to get back to being myself, right? I gently held her waist and lifted her, my other arm lifting her knees. She gave a squeak and started giggling.
“Yes, let’s go in”, I replied by adapting the tone she used a while back.
She mock glared at me and placed one of her arms around my neck, the other arm holding the pizza box.
“I love you, you know.”, she said.
“I love you baby.”, I replied and the kiss that followed seemed to last for hours.
I mentally thanked the people responsible for the discovery of pizza and cheese cake, without whom my life would’ve been miserable!

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2018 in random thoughts

 
 
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