I have been scrolling through my previous blog entries for a couple of days now, even those dating back from four years ago. Who would have thought I would be so different now from the Boy I used to be?
There was just so much anger. I never thought I’d say this but I really was a very much ignored . After reading those entries, I decided to just delete a lot of them. Mainly because I realized I was so stupid when I decided to write them. I was a teenager. There was just too much angst, so much emotion and too little experience. It felt like I was a stranger going through somebody else’s personal notes. It felt so foreign to me that I can’t even remember writing some of them and even worse, why I wrote them. But where I should have felt shame, there was pride.
Stagnant. That would be the perfect word to describe my life if someone would have asked me a few days ago. After looking back and really reliving the emotions that heedlessly consumed me during the darkest days of growing up, I came to think that I did get somewhere. That the current of life led me where I am today. This may not be the destination that I wanted myself to be in three years ago but knowing that I’m somewhere is actually better than the thought of being nowhere. And knowing that I am nowhere near where I used to be makes it feel alright.
People would usually say that ‘God has plans’. Before, I would have said at the back of my mind that yeah, God has plans because that one time He gave you a chance to plan for yourself, you screwed it up. Seeing my former self with different eyes now changed the way I see everything I’ve been through. Maybe I was destined to feel pain so that I would know what happiness would feel like. What if God wanted me to feel alone so that I could appreciate the people who would come my way? What if indeed there was a plan?
I may not see it now but maybe someday I’d get to finish the story of my life and when I get the chance to read it, I’ll see commas I’ll realize that the pauses in every sentence I made were not meant to make my story incomprehensible, but to the contrary, they made it even more meaningful.