Wednesday again. I open my eyes and see the time. 7:30 am. I can’t wait for this day to be over. Thinking that first thing in the morning isn’t a good thing, I know. You’re supposed to think today is going to be a good day or I’m lucky to be alive or whatever happy and positive people think. I wouldn’t know.
I get ready as fast as I could and go out the door. Oh great. It’s a rainy day. Again. As if I needed another thing to bring me down. I remember when rain used to bring us joy. When it rained for the first time in the year, every kid in the class would run to the windows and put out their hands and laugh in pure joy. Run out during breaks and play in the rain. But now when I go out the door and see that it’s raining I think to myself not this shit again.
I grab my umbrella and start walking to class. I pass by people going to their workplaces or schools. Does anybody else feel like this? Feel like they’re stuck in this vicious cycle that is life, where everything is repetitive, and you know how the day is going to go the moment you wake up and it’s not a good feeling? Am I the only one traveling through life alone?
My train of thoughts ends when I realize I’m already in front of the classroom. I hear fake laughter in high-pitched voices coming from a group of girls in the classroom. I shudder at the thought of going into the classroom and them looking at me with their soulless eyes and saying in unison with their fake positivity “Good Morning!”. A minute has passed and I’m still staring at the door hesitant to go in the room. What I would give to not be here right now. To be back home with my family hearing my parents’ laughter, hugging my little brother, talking to my big brother about why staying alive matters and getting scolded by me big sister about how my hair looks messy and to “dress like a girl”. To be with my real friends who are miles away, complain about everything together and laugh at stupid things that only makes sense to us. I miss them. Not “friends” in my school who pretend that everything in the world is fine, or even they don’t even know what is going on outside of their perfect worlds. My thoughts are interrupted as I feel a light tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see a guy from my class that I talk to occasionally.
“Aren’t you going in?” he asks with a confused expression. “I’m not feeling well. I think I’ll go back home and rest.” I answer without even thinking about it. Why did I just lie? “Okay, feel better.” he says as he walks into the room filled with fake laughter.
I don’t know why I just lied to him. I feel totally fine physically. It’s just my mind and heart that hurt. I decide that’s a good enough reason to skip class and go out the building into the pouring rain.
Now that I’ve gotten up the courage to skip class, the last place I want to go is my empty room. When I went out the building I felt invincible and had the courage to go anywhere but as I walk further away from campus the feeling of uneasiness overpowers me. Fear nervousness and uneasiness. I’ve been feeling this way a lot lately. Especially when something even remotely bad happens, no matter how small. When I accidentally forget my phone in the library and having to sit through a whole class not knowing whether or not it’ll still be there when I go back to check. Or when I have a minor financial problem. Or when the cute guy in my class doesn’t answer my text immediately, I feel like the world is going to end and I’m about to die. I don’t know why, really. I don’t know that much these days.
But now the feeling of freedom starts to overpower those feelings. As I walk with my headphones on listening to some sad song about heartbreak and think about all the things that’s bad in the world and why my life is the way it is now, I notice I’m suddenly standing in a street I’ve never been to before. There are walls covered in graffiti, sloppy handwriting and random stickers. On the wall right in front of me it says “Don’t Worry Be Happy.” Is this wall talking to directly to me? Telling me to stop worrying about every little thing? But I don’t know the credibility of this wall when next to that writing there’s a sticker that says “Mad Anal Sex”. So I don’t think that much of the writing and move on.
I thought I was just going where the wind takes me but it doesn’t take me long to realize that I’m going to the bus terminal that goes out of town. Why am I going there? Did I get so tired of this place that I’m going to the bus terminal without even meaning to?
I did want to get away from this place. So now that I’m here I’m tempted to get on a random bus and go somewhere. Anywhere. I start to have a sinking feeling in my heart. I’m scared. But this is the only chance I have to get away from this depressing place so I buy a ticket to the bus that’ll leave the soonest. I get on the bus and sit on the back by the window.
The bus still hasn’t moved yet. Ten more minutes and I’ll be out of here. I wonder how my mom would feel if she found out how I was. Her daughter who always does the right thing, skipping class to go out of town alone cause she can’t bear to be amongst her classmates and cry in her bed alone not wanting to live anymore when she got back to her room. She wouldn’t be happy if she found out. I want her to keep thinking I’m all right and still be proud of me. Even if that means I’m unhappy in the process.
I want to be happy. I guess everybody does so I’m not that special. If anyone asked me what’s the one thing I want right now I’d answer someone. Someone to talk to about my problems, dreams and fears. Someone who’ll listen and try to understand. Someone who’ll hug me and make me feel like I’m not alone. But no one asks. Yeah I’m selfish. I know. Me me me. Ever since I was a kid I was thought to be independent and strong but that’s the last thing I want to be right now. Alone.
My pity party ends as a guy runs through the bus door soaked in rain and breathing heavily as if he’s been running. It’s the guy from my class that I ran into this morning. He pays the bus fee and looks back at me with the smile he has. Not a fake smile that I’m so used to seeing from everyone around me everyday. But a genuine one. A genuine smile that reached his eyes. The smile that makes me feel like it stopped raining and it’s finally sunny again. The smile that makes me feel like I’m not alone. The smile that makes me want to live.
He walks towards the back of the bus and sits down next to me. The bus starts moving.