It has stopped raining and the sky is starting to clear up. We’ve been walking and talking for about half an hour trying to find a place to stay for the night. The tension between us has subsided due to the running and laughing. Finally it feels like we’re back to the old old times of us hanging out. Granted ‘the old times” was just a few months ago but it feels much more than that. The feeling of being with her comes naturally. I’m at ease but at the same time excited. Like something wonderful is about to happen. “Hey do you wanna check that place out?” she asks pointing to a motel down the street. “Sure by the way, do you have any money?” I ask. “Only for the train tomorrow. Umm and I think all the ATM’s are closed by now.” she looks down worryingly. “I don’t have that much but I think I can pay for a small room.” I don’t know how we came here. Not here as in the place but here as in together along about to go into a motel together. I love any chance to be alone with her, to get to know her better but if this turns into just a one night fling I don’t want it.
We walk into the motel with a sign that says ‘OPEN FOR 24H’. There’s a short middle aged man standing behind the counter. The prices are on a paper on the counter and the only one I can afford is the single bedroom. “I can only afford the single bed one. Is it okay?” “Yeah as long as we don’t have to spend the night on the streets I’m fine. I’ll pay you back in the morning.” she looks up and smiles at me but it doesn’t quiet reach her eyes. I pay the man and he hands us a key that says 342. We walk up to the third floor and enter our room. It’s a single bed room alright. A single bed. That’s it. “Well this is fancy.” she says putting her bag on the floor. “Yup a bed, so fancy wow.” I say trying to be funny but coming off as snarky. She’s already sitting on the floor and I sit down next to her. It.s 11:24pm.
“So do we finally talk now?” I ask her. Yeah I get we’ve been talking all day but it just felt like a stream of little talks. It somehow feels like pretending. It’s like we’ve both been careful to not get too deep to the point of no return. She looks down at the floor like she’s thinking of an answer. “Okay I’ll start I guess.” I say breaking the silence. “Why did you get on the bus today?” I ask her even though I want to ask her something completely different. She takes a deep breath and starts talking in a quiet voice. “Just the thought of being in that classroom all alone for an hour and a half…I know I’m not literally alone in that room but it feels that way. Like I’m in this big, white, empty room all by myself and I can hear people talking but can’t fully comprehend it. Almost as if I’m underwater and people are trying to talk at me but I can’t understand. Almost as if everyone in that room, including the teacher are all in on this thing that I’m not a part of. I want to get above water and join them and I keep trying and trying but don’t seem to succeed.” she says like she’s been holding onto that for a long time. All I want to do is hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay but I’m not sure if that’s true. Instead I ask her how long she’s been feeling that way. “Long enough that I don’t remember how long.”. “Anyways why’d you get in the bus?” she asks me. I’ve been asking myself too. “Honestly, I thought it was to skip classes today but it’s for this. To actually talk to you. I’ve been trying for weeks. If you really felt that way why didn’t you tell me? Why did you avoid me all this time?” as soon as I say that guilt comes over me. She’s going through something rough and all I can think of is myself? “Because I thought I could get over it by myself. Still kinda do. I didn’t want my knight in shining armor to come rescue me from myself.” I try to remain as calm as possible and try to put myself in her shoes. How could she think that being alone is better? “Yes I know you’re strong enough to go through this alone. But that doesn’t mean you have to.” I say. “You don’t understand.” her voice starts to break and it feels like she could burst into tears at any moment. “Then make me understand! I’ve been trying and trying for weeks! Do you realize how shitty it feels to be cut off by someone that you care about without even a slight explanation? If it’s because you weren’t doing so well then I would’ve been there for you. I would’ve been herefor you. Like I’m here for you now.” She looks at me for a moment and says “It always felt like a relief whenever I was with you that I was afraid I was becoming overly dependent I didn’t want my happiness and excitement to solely depend on one person who could walk away and take it all with him…So I walked away myself.” “Look I think I get it. Not fully but I mostly do.” She finally lets out a small giggle. “I’m not your knight in shining armor trying to save you. You’re our own savior I’ll be like your companion. Your sidekick! Like you’re Doctor Who and I’m your companion. Or you’re Conan and I’m Andy!” she’s laughing now which feels like music to my ears. “All I’m saying is you don’t have to do this alone, alright? If you’re afraid of getting overly dependent we can take it slow. You can go through this alone but just take me with you.” she looks at me with those sweet brown eyes and says “Okay.” and kisses me on the cheek.