An Atrocious Mess

09 Nov

Why can’t you just disappear? Fade into my distant memories until you sink into the deep recesses of my subconscious, lost to the darkness there. I have let you go a thousand times, and a thousand times you’ve re-emerged, haunting in the echoes of my heart, a ghost to the empty space you’ve carved out there. Every time I place these feelings down, they reinfect me like a relentless disease, taking over and making a home inside of me. Making me sick and numb. I want to be free of you and the pain you always cause, but every time you come back I welcome you with open arms. And I swear to myself it’ll never happen again, but every time…
Every time…
and around we go in this vicious cycle, your door into my life is ever-revolving, ever-disruptive, ever-promising me a fresh wound to keep as a memento of your brief stay. I try to bury you and walk away, but you’re a secret weakness of mine. I’ve only spoken the truth out loud once or twice, it’s hard to hear myself say the words, but it’s true, and it will always be true, there’s something in me that always calls for you, feels for you, bleeds for you.
You’re a beautiful nightmare, soaking me to the bone in glorious, horrific, carmine-red. You’re as beautiful as you are terrible, and the landscape of my feelings for you follows your theme- I feel the aching of deep connection, and the wounding of separation. You’re a pleasure and an agony, a duality I can no longer bear. You crash into my life like a storm bringing rain to parched land, and you don’t leave until there’s flooding chaos, and everything I hoped for us drowns and is swept away.
I want to be friends… but we can’t…I want to be lovers…but we can’t…I want to be strangers…but you can’t. So what are we to do? I want you as much as ever. And I want you to stay away for good. Why can’t you just taper away like a bitter winter and let me enjoy the sweetness and newness of spring? Maybe it’s because in my heart of hearts I’ve never been fond of the sunshine- I like the magic and mystery of a world blanketed in overcast-grey.
But I think to myself often…If we could just strike a balance or learn to speak the language of the other’s heart, maybe we could survive one another. But we’ve tried, we’ve tried a thousand times, and it always ends the same. We always end the same. So I nurse you in the secret, aching places that reside in me, places no one could ever find or guess at. I refuse to speak out loud what hides in me. I let you go outwardly, but I hold you in places so deep I’ll never be truly free of you.
What do you get when you cross a fucked-up soldier with a fucked-up mermaid?
What do you get?


Posted by on November 9, 2019 in random thoughts


2 responses to “An Atrocious Mess

  1. Asha Seth

    November 9, 2019 at 7:54 PM

    Grammar check : An Atrocious Mess.



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