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Monthly Archives: March 2020

The Propsal

“I cant be with u forever.”she whisperd closing her eyes. “Why are u saying that?”he bellowed holding her shaking in his arms. He kissed on the top of her head gathering the bundle of misres in his hands. “No…No”she whimpered pushing him away with her hands.
“What happened?”he held her arms more closer to himself. She traced his tear striken face with her trembling fingers feeling the pain she infused.
“I cant..I am destroying you.”she blinked her tears from her eyes, the eyes which she never used.
“I love you fool !”he yelled as she rubbed the tears from his face which she never saw. “You can’t destroy your life looking after me.” she hussed struggling to free from his grip
“You are my life.” he smiled sadly. She heaved sighly.
“I can’t be a burden on you.”she felt his grip loosen. Although she wanted that to happen her heart wished opposite.
Damm this love!!!!
“Oh!! so you think I have sympathy for you?” she heard his voice, once the happy voic,
she remained silent
“Listen” he reached before her tucking the hair perfectly. He love those hair of her
“Please. !”she yelled moving sideways only to get hurt on her head.
“Ahhhh!! ” she winced
“Shit cant you see?” he regretted this words “Thats the point I am blind and I m a trouble on you” she groaned tears pouring out of her eyes
“I love you still !” he brushed the wound to clean it with sleeves of his shirt.
“Why ??” she sobbed.
“Love, it is unreasonable..you feel in love in most unexpected time..as I feel for you” she heard his cheerful voice hitting her ears. meanwhile he kneeled down on his knees and said “Baby,I love you from my core of my heart. would you be my better half, would you be grow old with me, would you be at every step of my life with me, would you be my soulmate?” At last she listened to her heart n nodded and that moment she felt cold solid ring between her finger.
“I am your light that guides your way” he whispered moving his lips down and their lips met as he absorbed in her agonies gifting her a shimmering tale to adore vapourizing her insecurities with his love….

 
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Posted by on March 18, 2020 in random thoughts

 

When Two Damaged People Love Each Other

These are the ways we love each other.

We are sitting in the same room, not talking. You are playing video games and killing dark things on screen, whilst I am writing away every violent memory that has crept through my mind in the last ten minutes. There is no pressure of conversation. There is no necessity in this. It is simply being and we are both dealing with our demons in our own ways. The difference is, we understand that – without talking about it.

We are leaving a restaurant in the middle of Delhi (C.P), after a beautiful day and I see her, the girl who haunts my memories. My whole body withers in fear and as you look up in her direction, she is gone like she was never there, just a memory. You wrap your arm around me as we walk, not asking any questions just understanding. Later, Facebook reminds you of a memory you would much rather forget, and as I pull you close into a hug, I can feel the storm shaking inside your body.

We are in a Doctor’s office and you’re silent. I know how much you hate it here and how everything about this place makes you need to hold the broken pieces of you together even more fiercely. I touch your hand and you look up at me, lost, then look away again. The silence isn’t the problem. The memories are, and it takes someone who hates being in this room as much as you do understanding that. You say to me “I’m sorry I brought you with me.” I smile and squeeze your hand tight. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I didn’t fall in love with you because you were perfect. I fell in love with you because you were so honest and you never ever hid your damage.

We are lying in bed, both wide awake, not sleeping. Caught between nightmares and the moon, the Sandman has forgotten us completely. After a while of restless shifting, you get up and go to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I stay in bed and watch the ghosts of our pasts shift in our bed, waiting for you to return. When you do, we chase them away with a midnight film – an old black and white movie. We both know that getting up tomorrow is going to be a pain, that we will be exhausted at work – but there is no fighting insomnia when it is immersed in our bodies so deeply.

Some days, we look at each other like we are about to say something and then stop – almost as if the clock in our heads have told us not to speak about it yet. The difference is, there is no pressure to speak about it until we are ready.

You see, the way we love is different because we are broken. Whilst others love in flowers and songs and conversation, we love in silence and helping each other pick up the pieces. Our love is a quiet journey in healing. Our love is where we wait for the other to fix themselves and help them grow slowly.

You see, we are damaged, so we love a bit differently. These ways in which we say ‘I love you’ aren’t perfect. But they are balm for healing, a balm for dark memories.

You once asked me, “How can you love something as broken and damaged and unhinged as me?”

It’s easy, my darling, you are damaged and broken and unhinged. But so are shooting stars and comets.

 
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Posted by on March 7, 2020 in random thoughts

 

Reach For You


It’s the middle of the night and that anxious feeling is eating a hole through my stomach- it’s as if all the trauma of the world are just echoes of my own trauma, and I don’t know how any of this can be ok. I want to reach out to you, but I don’t want to rob you of the precious reprieve that is sleep- in slumber we’re all safe from the horrors that lurk around every corner, and haunt the doorways of every door. Tonight my heart is pounding, breaking, fading, and I don’t want to be a burden to you. But I tentatively reach out and find you are there, like you always are. You’re a safe place where I can put down all my anguish, you’re loving arms where I can rest. But sometimes I find it hard to believe that it won’t all disappear. If life has taught me anything, it’s that nothing can be trusted. I stomp down on you to make sure you’re solid- you don’t budge one bit, but you bleed and silent tears find their way to your chin. And I’m sorry, you know, I’m so sorry. My fence-checking is brutal. I have no excuse. I seem to hurt what I love to make sure it’s safe and solid. Like taking a bat to a tank just to make sure. I know that I’ve done the wrong thing- I always wear my mistakes openly. I don’t shy away from what is my responsibility to claim and rectify. And you know, if I could take it back, I would. But somehow you seem to understand. You wear scars of a similar design, only you never sink to dark places- you simply trust I am solid because I say so. But I’m the tester. I’m the deplorable checker. I’m the one who can’t believe in the ground beneath my feet or the air in my lungs, without proof. I’m the inexcusable. I’m the trauma-coated dry wall with a hole punched in it. And you’re…
Simply tender. Effortlessly loving. I wish I could be more like you. But sometimes I find myself crouched in the shadows, snarling at things that aren’t there. And how am I supposed to trust that I feel loved, when I’m not even sure what that’s like. How do I prepare myself for ruin, if my guards come down all the way. Even the broken pieces are broken, and there’s not much left to salvage. But what there is, is all that I have.How can I believe you won’t turn these broken shards to dust, and just leave me hollowed-out? I have always fled before it could reach that bitter point upon the horizon. I’m a runner with soles worn all the way through. And now you’re asking me to take off my running shoes, and stay in one place with you. And you know, I think I could, stay. With you. But I’m not really sure what that would be like, but I know what I see in my mind’s eye. It could be beautiful, if I could trust in it. And my trust is expensive and rare. I just need your soul in exchange. Nothing more. I promise.
I wake to find anxiousness feasting on my guts, and you know, I didn’t want to be a burden. But I reached out for you to find you were there. Whenever I reach out for you, you are there. Now if only you could do that, unfailing, forever. I might begin to believe that you’re not going anywhere. But when I call to you, you answer. When I reach out for you, you are there. I’m trying not to runaway, but it feels so safe to disappear…

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2020 in random thoughts

 
 
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