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Reach For You

05 Mar


It’s the middle of the night and that anxious feeling is eating a hole through my stomach- it’s as if all the trauma of the world are just echoes of my own trauma, and I don’t know how any of this can be ok. I want to reach out to you, but I don’t want to rob you of the precious reprieve that is sleep- in slumber we’re all safe from the horrors that lurk around every corner, and haunt the doorways of every door. Tonight my heart is pounding, breaking, fading, and I don’t want to be a burden to you. But I tentatively reach out and find you are there, like you always are. You’re a safe place where I can put down all my anguish, you’re loving arms where I can rest. But sometimes I find it hard to believe that it won’t all disappear. If life has taught me anything, it’s that nothing can be trusted. I stomp down on you to make sure you’re solid- you don’t budge one bit, but you bleed and silent tears find their way to your chin. And I’m sorry, you know, I’m so sorry. My fence-checking is brutal. I have no excuse. I seem to hurt what I love to make sure it’s safe and solid. Like taking a bat to a tank just to make sure. I know that I’ve done the wrong thing- I always wear my mistakes openly. I don’t shy away from what is my responsibility to claim and rectify. And you know, if I could take it back, I would. But somehow you seem to understand. You wear scars of a similar design, only you never sink to dark places- you simply trust I am solid because I say so. But I’m the tester. I’m the deplorable checker. I’m the one who can’t believe in the ground beneath my feet or the air in my lungs, without proof. I’m the inexcusable. I’m the trauma-coated dry wall with a hole punched in it. And you’re…
Simply tender. Effortlessly loving. I wish I could be more like you. But sometimes I find myself crouched in the shadows, snarling at things that aren’t there. And how am I supposed to trust that I feel loved, when I’m not even sure what that’s like. How do I prepare myself for ruin, if my guards come down all the way. Even the broken pieces are broken, and there’s not much left to salvage. But what there is, is all that I have.How can I believe you won’t turn these broken shards to dust, and just leave me hollowed-out? I have always fled before it could reach that bitter point upon the horizon. I’m a runner with soles worn all the way through. And now you’re asking me to take off my running shoes, and stay in one place with you. And you know, I think I could, stay. With you. But I’m not really sure what that would be like, but I know what I see in my mind’s eye. It could be beautiful, if I could trust in it. And my trust is expensive and rare. I just need your soul in exchange. Nothing more. I promise.
I wake to find anxiousness feasting on my guts, and you know, I didn’t want to be a burden. But I reached out for you to find you were there. Whenever I reach out for you, you are there. Now if only you could do that, unfailing, forever. I might begin to believe that you’re not going anywhere. But when I call to you, you answer. When I reach out for you, you are there. I’m trying not to runaway, but it feels so safe to disappear…

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2020 in random thoughts

 

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