All my desires have combined
and have merged into one wish
to hold you close to me.
All my tears have gathered
and turned into a stream
to wash your feet, my beloved.
I am in total silence
as my tongue will sing
only your songs, my love.
I am awake whole night,
fearing I might doze of.
You may come
at dawn or midnight.
I am all attention for
your light steps
which might get lost
in the sound of the breeze.
Ticking of the clock
tells me, time is passing.
Chirping of birds
gives the signal of dawn.
I am not disappointed,
I know you will come
If you so wish,
I will wait for you
Author Archives: Ajay Vyas
All my desires have combined
There comes a point in life when you gotta start believing when someone tells you ‘i love you’. Just because that one person didn’t mean it, just because that one person lied about it does not mean every other person that’s gonna come into your life and say those three words to you is not gonna mean it and lie about it too. I’m not saying every person is true when they say so but you gotta take your chances to find out because other wise, you may never trust anyone again, you will never feel loved again. This is something a friend of mine recently just explained to me, she told me how stupid i was to be afraid that everyone who’s important to me at this time in life will leave me soon, since i’m that scared of losing people. I told her it made me cry thinking of how close i’ve gotten to some people and how much i hate it because again, i was scared but i cried anyways. I cried because one day they would leave instead of being happy for the time that they are here with me. Everyone is gonna leave one day or another, there is no forever but that does not mean the moments you have spent and the moments you are yet to spend with them is gonna be meaningless or any of that sort. Maybe they do love you, maybe they do intend to stay, maybe it scares them too to lose you but let’s face it, we know everything has an end, every feeling changes, every thought evolves and it’s no one’s fault. Every thing starts only to be ended and you have to set that in your mind. Accept the love you are getting right now, enjoy every laughter with all your heart, cherish every second with the ones you love, believe in people as much they deserve to be believed, trust yourself and your judgement and even if it’s wrong, it’s okay! Nothing is wrong forever, because as far as i know even a broken clock is right two times a day. So don’t shut people out, don’t send them away just because you arent strong enough to accept their love, don’t torture yourself thinking about future heart ache or loneliness or whatever because by the end of the day, we’ll be alone and that’s okay but it’s better to be alone knowing you once had a ton of great things in your life, knowing that you were once happy and loved rather than being alone with nothing but the thought that you had a chance but you were too scared to take it. Life is all about taking chances, because they may lead to somehing beautiful and/or even if it leads you broken but it’s worth it because when you only think you lost something, thing of all the things you gained; a lesson, a better perspective, a lot more strength to deal with things. To be honest, i wouldn’t have been saying all this if my friend didn’t make me realize all this and i’m so thankful now to see things the way she made me see them and it has helped me feel way way better because i, personally, have pushed people away just because i was always scared of anything that they could say could possibly be a lie, and cried everytime i realized i got attached to someone being afraid that they will walk away one day. In short, don’t think much, take chances and enjoy what comes the next step of your journey.
I know we just met. We only talked a few times and frankly I don’t even know that much about you. I don’t even know who you are. But from the first time we talked I felt something I hadn’t in a long time. I don’t know if it was because of you, or because of the events of that day but something about our talk felt special. Up until that point I’ve been feeling numb for a very long time. All the excitement, hope and happiness seemed to have drained out of me but of course that wasn’t the case. I just needed something or someone to remind me that yes life can be and is wonderful. And from that day I realized I was missing something. That feeling of hope was missing from my life. And I needed to get it back. Not get it back from someone, it’s not like someone stole it from me, but maybe get it from within me as cheesy and weird as that sounds. So is it weird that I miss you? Yes, maybe it’s not even you that I miss, it’s the feeling you gave me. The feeling you reminded me I could have. So even if we don’t have that kind of talks again it’s okay because I’m grateful for what you’ve reminded me. But I still miss you.
I look at you sleeping next to me, wondering how many elements the Universe had to create to finally hit upon the ultimate combination that made you.
I see your phosphorescent face, glowing from the radiation of the love that you contain within your heart and it urges me to radiate more love in return, just to see it glow brighter than before.
I know you are technically made of Carbon but one truly needs to know you to understand the varied range of things you are capable of. Just like Carbon, you are mentally as strong as a diamond but, at the same time, can also be as soft as graphite.
Your presence is like Helium in the sky. On one end, it’s so badass that it is solely responsible for making those magnificent explosions in the sun but on the other hand, it’s so harmless that it brings out funny sounds out of you, making everyone laugh.
You have ferromagnetic body that no matter where you go, makes me look into your direction. Just like magnets of the opposite ends, our bodies collapse into each other the moment we are let loose.
Glow of Gold in your hair, shine of Silver in your eyes. Kiss of your lips, like Iodine, heals all my wounds. Touch of your hand conducts more electricity in me than Copper and that electricity is what makes my heart beat.
I can go on and mention every complex lanthanides, actinidies, gases and metals but to sum it all up, what you are to me, as a whole, is Oxygen. I cannot live without you.
Listen man.. This shit here was all we were ever told as boys growing up.. How I feel about it now? It’s been a couple who have come and gone who I truly thought were gonna be that “one” and they made me fall in love.. And that was the problem.. I kept thinking I had to let some girl make me fall in love with her, and I ended up just forcing myself to fall in love with the first pretty face that showed me attention.. I grew up insecure , I’m still a little insecure sometimes about certain things.. It’s called being human, we all are so if you have a problem with that.. You can’t hold that against anyone because we all do it.. The part that doesn’t help is when peoples actions spark our insecurities for good reason and then they try and make it seem like it was the insecurities that caused them to do what they did.. But I digress.. My original point is that I forced love with just anyone because I felt like I had to.. I never quite understood that what the old heads meant by “she’s gonna change your life and make you fall in love” was that the shit would just happen in an instant.. In the blink of an eye because this women will be so breath taking that she steals your heart from the minute you lay eyes on her.. It won’t be a sexual attraction, it won’t be lustful or shallow, it will be the deepest, most penetrating feeling you’ve ever experienced and there will just be no mistaking as to what’s really happening between the two of you.. That’s what I’m still holding out for, despite all my failures in attempting to find a woman and fall in love, I know that I’m going to get it right I just have to keep working on understanding what love really is, what it really means.. I have to truly understand that loving myself makes love with another person almost effortless, I’ll never have to force it or stress it.. Never have to worry where they go when they leave the house or who they talk to on the phone in another room.. I want trust beyond doubts, love beyond faults, and more than just some fucking potential to be everything.. I wanna just be everything to someone, that’s all any of us want I think..
It seems to me that we spend most of our lives searching for beauty. We pursue happiness. We’re looking for that one person to cure us of the need for anyone else. To cure us of loneliness, self-doubt, or negative thoughts. We act as if we’re broken and someone or something is going to cure that.
But isn’t it true that we’re the ones who make life beautiful or not? Isn’t it true that only our thoughts can distinguish between happiness and suffering? That it’s all about us, about what we think and what we feel and what we see.
Are you trying to create a beautiful life for yourself? Are you doing your best to create the future that you’ve been dreaming about for so long?
Dreams don’t just come true. You’ve got to make them come true.
It’s as simple as that. It’s as simple as deciding that what you have is enough. It’s as simple as looking yourself in the mirror and accepting what you see. With all the good and the bad.
It’s all about the way your demons dance with your angels. It’s all about the way you manage life, the way you manage adversity and opportunity alike.
Make the best out of everything. Enjoy the small things. And fight.
Fight to create the life that you deem yourself worthy of having, because no one else is going to fight for it.
Dreams come true. Even though sometimes it seems that nothing happens. Even though at times it seems that you’re not really advancing. But you are. Day after day, as long as you fight, you’re getting better. It’s all just a matter of perception, really.
Sometimes progress is all about holding on. Sometimes all you can do is hold on tight to your dreams.
But you alone know what those dreams are and what they mean to you. You alone can make them come true, and you alone can decide how much are you willing to fight for them.
It’s all about you, I’m afraid. About your determination, about your ambition, about your courage. About your curiosity in face of the unknown, about you being able to face insurmountable odds.
It’s all you.
And the beautiful life that you have imagined into existence
Everyone’s made mistakes. You can’t deny this and say you’ve never made one because nobody besides God is perfect. It’s human nature to make mistakes and there’s no way to avoid it, but mistakes aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact they’re good. They may not seem like it at the time that it happens, but they are. They’re good because learning experiences come from mistakes. The only way to learn what you did wrong and how to prevent it next time, is to do wrong. Unfortunately there are some mistakes you’ll never get the chance to correct. As much as you wish you could correct them some mistakes are permanent. These are the mistakes you need to learn from so you don’t make them again. My biggest mistake was hurting the only girl I’ve ever been in love with and letting her go. I’m about to tell you all the story of this mistake and what I’ve learned from it. Don’t expect a happy ending because I haven’t even got one yet, but I can see life starting to head that way but even that won’t be a happy ending, just a new beginning.
Back In 2009 I saw a girl that I’ve never seen before at school and from that moment on I knew she was what I wanted. As soon as I saw her I leaned over and asked a girl in my class who she was and she proceeded to tell me. Little did I know I’m friends with one of the new girls friends. Her friend literally told me a day before that the new girl thought I was cute. So I got her number and we texted a little bit which lead to us talking in class, well me trying to talk, but her being really shy she didn’t say much. Nothing really sprouted from this at first. Then we started talking more and more and I started developing feelings. Now, she was showing no interest really so I got involved with this other girl, and that didn’t work out well at all. When that ended the new girl started showing a little more and I mean a little interest. So of course we started communicating more, she wouldn’t chill with me or anything but we talked in class everyday. So my feelings were getting stronger and stronger throughout first semester but she still showed minimum interest in me. Since she was showing little interest I thought I’d do somethings to catch her attention. I did some questionable things that I regret, involving trying to get with her friends, kissing maybe one, maybe two of her friends. Which of course she got mad about, this showed me she at least cared a little bit.
Fourth semester rolled around and I’m all in, I know this is the girl God sent for me it’s without a doubt who I want. She was still shy and she still got nervous around me which I found really cute. We ended up having a class together. I asked her to prom in front of the class and she thought I did it to embarrass her, so she said no and switched out of the class. After that I figured she still wasn’t interested in me so I continued messing with other girls which evidentially made her even more mad than she already was and pushed her away. We eventually got to a solid point in the relationship where both of us having feelings was established. Later on when I realized I loved her, or so I thought at the time I told her. She didn’t say it back. All her friends were telling her lies and some truths about me and also told her I wasn’t a good guy and that she should stay away. Which at that point in my life I wasn’t, I can admit that. Due to this she had lost all trust in me and didn’t believe anything I said because of my past mistakes. She had moved on shortly after and was talking to someone else. I was heartbroken and the whole second half of my senior year was ruined. I was more depressed than I had ever been. Every time I saw her I felt sick to my stomach, teary eyed, and a feeling of sadness just sat in. Every day I would attempt to talk to her and try to make things right. I’d go to her games, try to talk to her in lunch, by her locker, and text her. Nothing worked. Occasionally she would start talking to me but would remember all the wrong I did to her and change her mind quickly.
I left for college in the fall, I thought for sure all of that would be in my past and that it was done. I was wrong. I got through most of the third semester of college without talking to her and was doing fine. One weekend fourth semester I went home. I was on the way home and I heard one of the songs I showed her, every time I heard that song I thought of her, still do. So I texted her to get dinner and she was down, it was a double date with my friend and his girl. So we went to dinner and she was flirting, holding my hand, and telling me she missed me. That night ended and I asked her to hangout the next night and she was down again, so her, her friend, and I went to eat where her friend’s boy worked. After he got off and we got done eating we drove around and she told me she still loved me. Of course I still loved her so I told her I still loved her too. They ended up needing a place to stay so they stayed with us two. I had never been happier than I was that night just holding her. So we got up early the next morning and I left for Delhi. She didn’t talk to me much that weekend hardly at all actually, so I asked what was up, she told me she didn’t mean anything she said when we hung out and to leave her alone. All that just ripped from me. Being told you’re loved and having it ripped from you is one of the worst feelings ever. I was so depressed I took a week off from college just so I’d be home because I didn’t want to be by myself. She told me I needed to move on and there was no chance of us happening and that she didn’t love me anymore. Then a few weeks later told me she had never loved me.
We never truly dated but I was unfaithful, filling her head with lies, and not being patient with her. I hurt the girl I cared about more than anything. I learned a lot though from the mistakes of this relationship. First, you have to give people and relationships time, some people are slow to open up and you have to respect that. Don’t just assume they don’t like you because they have their walls up. Second, everyone deserves someone that’s faithful if you don’t have intentions of being faithful don’t waste their time. Third, fight for those you love and let them know you care every chance you get. You never know when you might lose them. Fourth, always be honest to the person you’re in a relationship with, they will find out the truth, and it’s going to be better for you if they hear the truth from you first. Last, never depend on someone else for your happiness. Doing this gives the other person too much power in the relationship and they will abuse it. Rely on God and yourself for your happiness.
It’s been almost 7 years since then and every time I come home I end up seeing her wherever I go. I talk to her occasionally but it’s just checking up. I know it’s over and I’m okay with it. I have gotten over being hurt and feeling the depression I had once felt by filling my heart with God’s love and letting him lead me down the right path. With God I feel uplifted and like a new person. I know she wasn’t the one God has sent for me and if she is I know he’ll lead me to her again. I just pray she finds someone who treats her better than I ever did, which shouldn’t be hard. She’ll probably see this scrolling through twitter or her friends will send it to her making fun of me. I’ll probably get judged by many people especially ones who know who this is about, but so be it. Everyone has that someone that has a hold on them and that they’ll always love and she was it for me. I just wanted to make the story of my toughest relationship public so hopefully someone who may be going through the same thing or has gone through the same thing knows they’re not alone.
P.S. It’s just a Fiction with a lil bit of true incidents.