RSS

Category Archives: random thoughts

An Atrocious Mess

Why can’t you just disappear? Fade into my distant memories until you sink into the deep recesses of my subconscious, lost to the darkness there. I have let you go a thousand times, and a thousand times you’ve re-emerged, haunting in the echoes of my heart, a ghost to the empty space you’ve carved out there. Every time I place these feelings down, they reinfect me like a relentless disease, taking over and making a home inside of me. Making me sick and numb. I want to be free of you and the pain you always cause, but every time you come back I welcome you with open arms. And I swear to myself it’ll never happen again, but every time…
Every time…
and around we go in this vicious cycle, your door into my life is ever-revolving, ever-disruptive, ever-promising me a fresh wound to keep as a memento of your brief stay. I try to bury you and walk away, but you’re a secret weakness of mine. I’ve only spoken the truth out loud once or twice, it’s hard to hear myself say the words, but it’s true, and it will always be true, there’s something in me that always calls for you, feels for you, bleeds for you.
You’re a beautiful nightmare, soaking me to the bone in glorious, horrific, carmine-red. You’re as beautiful as you are terrible, and the landscape of my feelings for you follows your theme- I feel the aching of deep connection, and the wounding of separation. You’re a pleasure and an agony, a duality I can no longer bear. You crash into my life like a storm bringing rain to parched land, and you don’t leave until there’s flooding chaos, and everything I hoped for us drowns and is swept away.
I want to be friends… but we can’t…I want to be lovers…but we can’t…I want to be strangers…but you can’t. So what are we to do? I want you as much as ever. And I want you to stay away for good. Why can’t you just taper away like a bitter winter and let me enjoy the sweetness and newness of spring? Maybe it’s because in my heart of hearts I’ve never been fond of the sunshine- I like the magic and mystery of a world blanketed in overcast-grey.
But I think to myself often…If we could just strike a balance or learn to speak the language of the other’s heart, maybe we could survive one another. But we’ve tried, we’ve tried a thousand times, and it always ends the same. We always end the same. So I nurse you in the secret, aching places that reside in me, places no one could ever find or guess at. I refuse to speak out loud what hides in me. I let you go outwardly, but I hold you in places so deep I’ll never be truly free of you.
What do you get when you cross a fucked-up soldier with a fucked-up mermaid?
What do you get?
This…

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 9, 2019 in random thoughts

 

As He Explained It

How did we get here? One night, through a mutual friend, a chance meeting in town. And now look at us, we’re here. In this mess. This mess you put us in. This mess your body put us in. You sit there on the floor, on your knees, like a good girl, waiting for instructions from your Sir. Tonight I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to shove you right up against the limits of what you can take and then push you a little further. Maybe it’s to punish you for not wanting me. I look down into your blue eyes, those expectant eyes, those trusting eyes, and I know you don’t have a clue what you’ve put me through. Your rejection has destroyed me. It has emasculated me. It’s fucked with my head and corroded my confidence. You have no idea what I’ve done for you- the lengths I’ve gone to to change for you and be better for you so you’ll want me. Still, you don’t want me. What the fuck do you want? Why do you keep coming back if it’s not me you want? If its dick you’re after, there’s dick closer to home. So what’s this about? Is it the rush I give you? Is it because, unlike the others, I’m not afraid to hurt you? They’re too gentle with you aren’t they? They treat you like a princess don’t they? You hate that shit. Because you’re a slave to your desires. Because you like it rough. No; you need. You fucking need it rough. Do they know that? Do they know how you need to cry out until you can’t cry out any more? You need that sweet release that only pain can bring. But they’re too afraid, aren’t they? Thinking you’re more fragile than you really are. But I know the truth- you’re cold and steely. You’re a kitten on the outside, but wires and gears on the inside. Aren’t you? Mostly, at least. Every now and then I see the softness you desperately try to hide. Every now and then I get a taste of it before it’s snatched away, hidden from me. You like to punish my kind don’t you? You like to punish us by denying us your sweetness, your softness. You don’t trust us. You never fully give of yourself. You never melt under my touch, and I fucking hate that about you.
Why won’t you submit in the way that I want you to? I look down at you now and I see you’re frustrated- tonight I’ve toyed with you, denied you what you want. But now you’re sick of the build-up. You just want the grand finale so you can go home. Now you want dick. Now you want to cum. Get on, get off, get dressed, get out, go. But if I can’t have what I want, neither can you. But there’s other reasons…
“You’re not going to touch me are you?” You ask. I’m a dick so I touch my fingertips to your shoulder. “I am touching you?”. You’re Instantly annoyed. You get so bitchy when you’re frustrated but it’s funny. I’d never say it to your face but. You’d get so fucking angry…
“You haven’t touched me properly the last two times that I’ve seen you…” you complain to me.
Your eyes are sad. You look like you might cry and it gets to me. As much as you’ve hurt me, I hate to see you hurting. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just, I can’t…”
You look away. You’re trying hard not to cry. “Do I turn you off?” You ask without looking at me. I say no, when I really mean yes. I want to fuck you but I can’t. It makes me sick thinking about it. I know it’s me and my own hang up, but everything is different now. Now I think of your body as a graveyard-instead of my playground-and I don’t want to visit that. I don’t want to be inside of that. But I miss you. I miss that. But you fucking lied to me. You lied by omission and now I’m supposed to pretend everything is like it was? It’s not. It’s different now. You get up and collect your clothes. I watch you dress and I can’t let you just leave like this. I stop you and pull you over to the bed. I don’t know how to tell you how I feel or how angry or hurt I am. And I feel stupid even admitting to it. So I just kiss you instead. Deep and hungry. I kiss you until I’m more turned on than sickened by the place between your thighs. I kiss you until I’m ready to push past my feelings and give you what you want. It’s what I want, too.
I don’t think about it. Somehow it doesn’t even cross my mind once. Except at the very end when I watch you tie off the condom and check it.
You’re worried. You’re paranoid. So am I. At least you’ll know what’s going on- I am in the dark. Where you left me. Where you didn’t give a fuck about leaving me. I’m angry again but I pull you into my arms anyway. You close your eyes and I close mine. I imagine that things might be different. I imagine that you stop rejecting me out of fear. But you never will- you don’t trust me because I am a man. And we’ve hurt you so badly you don’t trust any of us anymore. You won’t admit it, but you hate us. Maybe it’s always been that way and you just never realized. But you won’t stop rejecting me because deep down (and you’ll never admit this) you’re afraid of me and what I might do to you. It’s one thing to beat your ass when you want it. It’s a whole other thing to experience the pain of betrayal. And you don’t trust me. You don’t think I can be loyal because of my job and the supposed culture of it. You think I belong to a boys’ club, that I’ll cheat on you or smack you around after a bad day at work. You don’t believe I can love you and meet your needs on any level- spiritual, intellectual, emotional, physical. You look at me and you think I’m lacking. That I’m not good enough for you. You hate me- even if you need me right now- you hate me. And I make you feel afraid. You cry in your sleep and I break inside. I hold you a little closer and your face softens. Your peace is restored. For now. You can’t or won’t believe that I can be different and nothing I do or say can change that. I know I need to let you go. I need to let you go like everyone is forced to do in the end. You’re too painful to want. Wanting you is a fools’ errand. But I still want you even though it has destroyed me. I pretend to be asleep when you get up and dress quietly. I feel you looking over me. “I’m sorry” you say quietly, and your lips lightly press a kiss against my forehead. Then the door closes and I’m left alone in my rejection. I’m left alone in the reality that I am the best I can be- the best I have ever been- and you still don’t want me. You won’t even try. Because I make you feel afraid.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 23, 2019 in random thoughts

 

I may have fallen fast

I may have fallen fast, but it doesn’t mean my love isn’t going to last. You know, when I told you “I love you”, I didn’t say it just so I’d know how you felt for me, but because it was how I felt for you, and it still is.

It’s been almost a year I guess since the first and the last time we talked . And it’s been almost a week now since I told you that I would stop talking about us already, but … you’re still the one I’d like to talk to when something bad or good happens to me, you’re still the one I’d love to share most of my talks with. Nothing has really changed, except that we don’t talk everyday anymore like we used to do since we met. I still miss you every single day. I still wish Japan was just here in the Philippines, so I could just go to you during my days off from work. I still dream of you, of us being together, genuinely loving each other. It’s still you whom I want to end up with.

I’ve become clingy. I’ve acted like we’re an item. I’ve become insecure because your ex-bf, whose pictures are still on your facebook, looks more beautiful than me, she’s almost your age, he’s taller than me and he’s had you. I got so obsessed with you until I looked desperate to you. You got turned off. I’ve pushed you away. I’ve narrowed your options, while I got back to zero.

You told me we should take it easy and slow, but I’ve already fallen for you. Was it wrong that I told you so? Was it wrong that I’ve fallen for you before you do? Should I have waited till you have fallen for me, too? Is it really wrong for a boy to tell the girl first, or to do what he is supposed to do? Is it, because it’s unusual? How does it make the boy look desperate or degrade herself? Tell me how all of this matters. My mind is occupied with all these questions I’m not sure I’ll even get the answers for. My heart still hopes, because again, you’re still the one I want to end up with. But I really wouldn’t like to pressure you. Just tell me the things I need to know, the answers, they’re all I need.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on October 22, 2019 in random thoughts

 

The First Kiss

“You can’t do it.” she teased me.
I was nervous. What if didn’t turn out to be good? What if my throat pretended to be a frog and started making weird noises? What if I sneezed? What if I bit his lip instead of kissing? Fuck! I was nervous? I was fucking scared!
“Shut up!” I said in a not-so-angry manner.
“Nah! Leave it.” she said, patting my hand.
she turned around to leave when i held her hand, gripping it firmly. She turned around. Her eyes met mine. She smiled.
I pulled her t-shirt and she fell on top of me, with just an inch of distance between us. I could feel her breath kissing mine. Her hands were on either side of my shoulders, helping her to not completely fall on me. SHe kept looking in my eyes, deep.
I had no idea about the next step. A minute passed. Nothing happend. Another one passed. She just kept looking at me, waiting, patiently. I closed my eyes, gave up on my thoughts and before i could do anything she spoke.
“Open your eyes.” she said.
I opened my eyes. She smiled.
“We just kissed.” she said.
Was i drunk? Of course not! We didn’t kiss!
“What?” I asked, confused.
“We, just kissed.” she said it again.
I did not understand what she meant.
she did kiss my confused lips within a second but i didn’t understand what she meant.

Now I know.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 20, 2019 in random thoughts

 

Love -It is Unreasonable

Love -It is unreasonable “I cant be with u forever.”she whisperd closing her eyes. “Why are u saying that?”he bellowed holding her shaking in his arms. He kissed on the top of her head gathering the bundle of misres in his hands. “No…No”she whimpered pushing him away with her hands. “What happened?”he held her arms more closer to himself. She traced his tear striken face with her trembling fingers feeling the pain she infused. “I cant..I am destroying you.”she blinked her tears from her eyes, the eyes which she never used. “I love you fool !”he yelled as she rubbed the tears from his face which she never saw. “You can’t destroy your life looking after me.” she hussed struggling to free from his grip “You are my life.” he smiled sadly. She heaved sighly. “I can’t be a burden on you.”she felt his grip loosen. Although she wanted that to happen her heart wished opposite.

Damm this love!!!! “Oh!! so you think I have sympathy for you?” she heard his voice, once the happy voic,
she remained silent “Listen” he reached before her tucking the hair perfectly. He love those hair of her “Please. !”she yelled moving sideways only to get hurt on her head. “Ahhhh!! ” she winced “Shit cant you see?” he regretted this words “Thats the point I am blind and I m a trouble on you” she groaned tears pouring out of her eyes “I love you still !” he brushed the wound to clean it with sleeves of his shirt. “Why ??” she sobbed. “Love, it is unreasonable..you feel in love in most unexpected time..as I feel for you” she heard his cheerful voice hitting her ears. meanwhile he kneeled down on his knees and said “Baby,I love you from my core of my heart. would you be my better half, would you be grow old with me, would you be at every step of my life with me, would you be my soulmate?” At last she listened to her heart n nodded and that moment she felt cold solid ring between her finger. “I am your light that guides your way” he whispered moving his lips down and their lips met as he absorbed in her agonies gifting her a shimmering tale to adore vapourizing her insecurities with his love….

 
1 Comment

Posted by on September 2, 2019 in random thoughts

 

To Future Life Partner

Dear Wife

Your beauty blinds me because it comes from your heart and it is reflected in your eyes.
I wonder how I couldn’t notice such a magnificent flower like you before.
You are beautiful, you made me believe that this world is worth living in.
Your beauty captures me, but what amazes me is that it is wonderfully combined with your amazing soul.
There is nobody more beautiful in this world that a woman in love, so there is nobody more beautiful than you.
Magic is when I see ur eyes and the feel the spark between the hearts. You are wonderful
Do you know which thing I like the most about you? That you are beautiful inside and out.
Even if I were blind, I could still see your beauty, because it is in your soul and it can be seen only with a heart.
When you go, you turn heads, I am so lucky to have you
It’s a pity it’s impossible to hold a beauty contest among the angels because then you would have won.
In my eyes, you are the most beautiful and tender woman in the whole world. I love you.
Your beauty cannot be ignored, it is something unbelievable because it not only pleases my eyes but also warms my heart.
Even if you do not believe that you are beautiful, look into my eyes and you’ll be surprised by your pretty reflection.
To wake up every morning and to see your beautiful smile is the sense of my life. You are fantastic.
Everything and everyone in this world can be replaced except you, my Dream wife!
Still, I can’t understand how God could create such an ideal woman like you, you are perfect from the toes to the head.
Even thousands of orchids can’t compare to your beauty, you are unique.
Your soul is like an ocean, it doesn’t matter how deep I dive into your depths, I will never reach the bottom.
Never forget that you are a talented, amazing, and wonderful woman in the world.
Even when you are sad, remember that you are beautiful and the whole world is yours.
You are beautiful, for me, you are the best woman in the world.
Let each your day start with words: “I am beautiful, I am lucky, I deserve the best in this world”.
Each side of your appearance and each trait of your character are beautiful

 
4 Comments

Posted by on July 11, 2019 in random thoughts

 

Hope

It hurts to love someone and not be reciprocated, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to tell that person how you feel. Maybe God wants us to know a few wrong people before meeting the right person, to finally know when, know how to be grateful for this wonderful gift. One of the saddest things in life is when you meet someone who means everything and just to realize that in the end it was not for you and you have to let go. When the door of happiness closes, another door opens, but sometimes we look so long that door was closed, we do not see that has opened before us. It is true that we know what we have until we lose it, but it’s also true that we do not know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that you will include, but not expect to be appropriate; only expected to grow love in the heart of the other person, but does not grow is happy that grew in yours. There are things you’d love to hear you never hear it from the person who you would have said them, but do not be so deaf not to hear of him who says from his heart. Never say goodbye if you still want to try. Never give up if you feel you can keep fighting. Never tell a person who already do not love if you can not let go. Love comes to those who wait, but they have disappointed those who still believe, although it has been betrayed; one who still need love, but has been hurt before and who has the courage and faith to build trust again. The beginning of love is to let those we know to be themselves and not treat them to turn to our own image, because then we will love only the reflection of ourselves in them. Do not go outside, this can fool you, do not go for wealth because even that is lost; go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day shine. I hope

 
7 Comments

Posted by on May 4, 2019 in random thoughts

 
 
%d bloggers like this: