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From A Lover’s Diary-“The moment of Joy”

The annoying sound of my alarm disturbed my sleep. I was unable to get up from my bed. Both my head and my heart

felt heavy. My head ached because I had been crying all night and my heart 

suffered because I felt unimportant and avoided. I felt the whole world against me and I felt that I was useless, just an extra piece of matter doing damage to the earth’s gravity.

She hollered over the phone,”You’ll never change. I’ve lost my peace. I’ve had enough of this shit. Lets break up!” Those words deletriouted me. I felt like a dead-man. “Maybe she would have said everything in a fit of rage. Or was she serious? Should everything end like this?” A thousand questions came over my mind. Whatever it was, those heartbreaking choice of words that she uttered was too intense for me to handle. I poured out again.
It was a day in June. On the same day, 18 years ago, a guardian angel came to this earth to be my better half. I was waiting for this day, and have been planning everything for months. Even though it was her birthday, I was the one who was more excited. I planned something special for the evening. But to my dismay, it turned into the worst day. I looked up at the topsy-turvy nature of the situation. I felt worse. A possessiveness clash between us that ended in that “breakup” notation. I texted her, tried calling her several times, but in vain.
The next morning,  I called her again. No answer. I felt worser and worser. I wished that the world would end.
Suddey my mobile pinged. It was a text from her. It read “I’ve booked tickets for the matinee. Pick me up at the street corner at 12.30. Dont be late.” I read the message again and again. I pinched myself doubting if it was a dream and trying to believe if it really happened. Yeah, she really had sent that. I was shouting, jumping up and down like a mad guy. I can hear my mom shouting from the kitchen “Eyy.. What’s wrong with you?” I laughed at myself, picked up my phone and replied, “Done baby.”
The excitement came back in me. I was trying to distinguish dreams from reality. Sort of amaranthine happiness. I got ready, picked her up and went to the cinemas. All this time, she didn’t speak a word. I understood that she was still angry and that I was still in the danger zone. The film started and there was absolute silence. I broke the silence trying to talk to her but she didn’t even care to listen. I tried to hold her hand but she moved away. Atlast I decided to do that, which I’ve reserved for the evening dinner. I held her hands forcefully, and she turned to me.  I said, “Baby. Look, this is getting way too awkward. Fine. Lets end this. You are annoying. You are too possessive. I dont want anything from you. I dont want you just for the sake of a having a girlfriend. I dont want you to be my girlfriend.” She was stunned and was about to cry expecting a break up quote. I took out the silver ring from my pocket and continued “But its only these things which has made me to fall in love with you again and again. I dont want you to be my girlfriend. I want you to be my soulmate, my everything. Will you be my better half for the rest of my life my love” Tears rolled down her eyes. She smiled at me. We ignored the surroundings and the people. The soft music from the film intensified the situation.  Our eyes met and so did our lips. That was enough for the reply.
When I write these diary notes,  a few of my friends asked me why I stressed on “ego’s in a relationship”. It is because I believe that a non-egoistic attitude in every aspect, will make our love life strong. To forgive, forget and find a new way towards eternal love and happiness.

 
18 Comments

Posted by on July 20, 2017 in lover's diary

 

From A Lover’s Diary “Care”

“Stop stuffing my mouth!” she yelled. I fed another big mouthful without giving any heed to her objections. Her cheeks became

swollen and baby pink in colour in contrast to her angelic white face. I laughed and said, “That’s the punishment baby.”
“Why the heck do I need a punishment”, She snapped

back instantly. “Sssshhh” I silenced her by placing my finger on her lips.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I had sneaked into my darling’s house without anyone’s knowledge.(I hope no one noticed.) And ofcourse it’s not a good practice to sneak in. But I was under the compulsion to go there, because the love of my life was terribly sick. She was down with viral fever recording a 102°F temperature and she was home alone. Her dad was away on an official trip and her mom was forced to go to her office. Can’t blame them right?
“You have to take the prescribed tablets and for that, you need to eat baby” I pleaded.
“I’m not gonna die if I don’t eat this” she said, with a small smile at the corner of her lips. That comment really brought the fury out in me.  “Enough is enough. Now shut the fuck up and eat.” I hollered! She remained calm and reacted like a 5 year old kid; her face expressions, which was very cute enough to rub away my anger. I smiled like an idiot.
Then she begged, “Please baby. I can’t eat anymore” I took another mouthful, fed her and kissed her. She was absolutely  stunned. She couldn’t react. She ate it quietly. I could see the chaos in her eyes screaming “I’m arrested”
After that, she demanded a kiss for every morsel. And eventually I made her consume the whole food and tablets too.
The afternoon wasnt sunny. It was drizzling. She lay on my shoulders. I caught her tightly in my arms, caressed her hair and placed a kiss on her forehead. “You’ll get fever if you stay near me” she whispered. “I don’t care.” I smiled. Hearing that, she hugged me tightly and asked “What did you do to me? Why did you love me like this?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I love you  to an extent which normal people can’t understand” She smiled, looked into my eyes for a few seconds and went back into her position.

One of the best feelings in this world is when we realise that people don’t fake and that they love and care about us. I tried analysing that incident but never was sure why it tempted me to take much risk and do it. Eventually I knew the result. Its  called “LOVE”.
Love and only love.

 
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Posted by on July 19, 2017 in lover's diary

 

Life Philosophy

“I am sad because life sucks. My life sucks”, she cried.”Why do you need to be sad if life sucks. You know what? Life sucks because you learn the blues and not the yellows”, I replied. “What does that mean?” She sobbed.”We become tough as a stone while what life teaches us to flow like a river”, I said. “I don’t get it. If life throws lemons at you, you can’t feel sweetness. Right. That’s an old saying”, she said.”Fuck the old saying. Listen to what I have to say”.”Hmmmmm”. “Why doesn’t one become good to people because once he was mistreated and he knows how it feels? Why doesn’t he become appreciative of others because once he was insulted? Why doesn’t he become empathetic towards others because he was hurt once?Why doesn’t he stop judging people because once he was judged by others? Why doesn’t he become more understanding of others because once he was misunderstood and bitched about? Why doesn’t he become more giving because he didn’t receive the love and care from the people he deeply loved once? Why doesn’t he become sweet because he knows what bitterness is and how he felt once when people were bitter towards him.

I am bitter because my girlfriend left me. I am angry because my friends didn’t care for me. I am rude because no matter how good I was with people I was betrayed in the end. I am cruel because people have hurt me and have never turned around to look if I am alright. Why? Why carry their dark sides and learn the negative feelings? Why don’t you learn from your own sufferings? Why do you have to carry the legacy of those who did bad things to you. If you would keep doing that the world would never be a better place to live in. You don’t need to read Socrates and Aristotle to know about life’s philosophy. They never read others. Pay attention to your own life and don’t do those things to others because of which you suffered a great deal once. Because life gave you lemons once you don’t need to squirt it in the eyes of others. Swallow the
lemon(like Shiva swallowed the venom) and learn the lesson to make it a point that you wouldn’t become like one but you would spread the light because you knew once what darkness felt like.

image

Do share your views in comment 

 
15 Comments

Posted by on July 17, 2017 in random thoughts

 

Broken Window

Every day from dawn to dusk Amit walks back and forth, back and forth in his tiny cell. He loves the way his chains clank as he moves. It is music to him. The only kind of music he has known. Every time he turns to face the wall, he stares at the broken window. He keeps looking outside, hoping to see something new. That Broken Tinted Window is his liberator and his tormentor.

Days are spent staring outside, wondering about the outside world, forgetting about where he is. Nights are spent hating the broken window as it lets the cold wind and mosquitoes torture him. He cannot scream, because he has no voice.He suffers in silence.

Amit isn’t sure of anything, he knows nothing except this room and what the window shows him. He isn’t even self aware. What is better, what is worse are only for those who know choice. Life and death are known to those who have seen it, experienced it. Awareness of life comes from the observation of death. Amit isn’t aware of the existence of such things. He does not even know his name is Amit. The people who made him, had a terrible sense of humor. They provided him a name and denied him the right to know it. One who knows not the purpose of a name cannot be offended by denying it.

He turns to look at the door in hopes that it would open but it did not. He is hungry and the door opening means food comes in. Amit turns again, he walks towards the window, forgetting food for a moment. Amit currently is trapped in a cycle of thoughts which run between curiosity of the outside world and his hungry stomach. He is incapable of keeping his attention on one thing for a long time and so he wanders through out.

One day the door opened and stayed open, no food came through. Amit stared at it, he waited. He heard new sounds, he became afraid. He went towards the door and shut it. He stayed because this was his world. His fear of the noises was stronger than his curiosity, even stronger than his hunger. Poor Amit, he will never know he threw away his last chance at freedom. He had just doomed himself. He kept staring at the broken window, in hopes to see that bird again.

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Posted by on July 16, 2017 in random thoughts

 

Long distance relationship

Long distance relationship

Some say its beautiful.

You miss each other, but there’s nothing you can do about it, but to wait. If she is upset, you can’t be there for her, all you want to do is hug her tight and tell her that it’s all going to be fine, but you can’t. Yet you be there as much as you can. You try to make her feel your presence even when you are very prominently absent.
What about when you are upset? she does the same. Though you wish so bad she was there, in person, to be your pillow, you try to be strong.
There are times when you think she is fading away, like when she is busy or you are, and you try so hard to hold on tight to that invisible feeling you feel so strong, try so hard to hold onto her. But eventually, all the insecurities fade away as she reminds you, over and over again, how much she loves you. You wonder how someone could love you so much inspite of all your flaws. You wonder how is it that fairy tales come true. You wonder how she can be so perfect. Then you realise something, That’s how love works. You are just as perfect for him as he is for you.
And after all those months or years, when you finally meet, its an eclipse. Its wonderful. Its beautiful in its true sense. Its indescribable and the world stares at your union.
That’s what happens when the sun meets the moon, the whole world stares at them in awe.

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2017 in random thoughts

 

Poet’s Pen

Unlike soldiers called to war, we have no army to support our call.

With blind abandonment, we travel into the castle of our soles. There is no light, no sound, nothing but the sense that we must move forward and enter this castle and knock upon each Chamber’s door.

There are many chambers and many doors within this castle we call the soul. Without reason or, sense of normality, on we go, through each chamber’s darkened, door.

Each chamber contains a story, some filled with glory, some filled with shame and pain. We do not know what we will find, but still we go through each Chamber’s door. With nothing but our poet’s pen in hand, prepared to write in great detail, about all we find within. There is no light to guide our way, no sound to replace the loss of sight, yet, still we search and strive to find and knock upon each chamber’s door.

The poet has no protection save the pen, and without hesitation, walks through each chamber’s door.., Sometimes we shake and tremble, sometimes we feel no fear at all, its always different, its never the same, for there are many chambers and many doors, within this castle of our sole.

I came upon one chamber door and sensed I’d been here, once before. Suddenly, I felt such fear, so all alone and knew there was great danger near. It must have been the power in my poet’s pen, held tightly in my shaking hand, that began to tap upon this chamber door. My God, My God, what are you doing? This I asked of my poetic friend, surely, we will both die, if your tapping gets us through this chamber’s door! I fear, I fear, I have been at this chamber door before and know what lies within! 

I shook my hand, hoping to free myself from this poet’s pen, I cried out loud and tears of fear filled my eyes, don’t, don’t, God please, don’t let us in! However, to no avail from my God or my poet’s pen, both God and pen, walked right through my words and pulled me in kicking and screaming, through this chamber’s door.

If I could but find a way to escape this castle of my soul with all its horrors, hidden behind so many chamber doors, I swear, I will never write again and forever, would abandon this curse of curses called the Poet’s Pen.

Without mercy, without concern for my safety, I was cast through this darkened, chamber’s door. The chamber was dark at first, then slowly, almost softly, there was this light, it filled my chamber of fear and revealed, every single person that I have ever loved, every friend I ever had, every kind word ever spoken to me, I heard and saw them all again. Every warm, sunny day, filled with fun and love, I lived once again. All this I was given in an instant, all of this was behind this chamber door I had feared so much, just a few minutes before.

One other thing I saw, laying on a table was this solid gold pen, its tip was a diamond, the brightest and most brilliant light I had ever seen radiated from the tip of this solid gold pen.

As I approached this heavenly sight, I noticed there was a piece of paper, like a note one would leave for a friend. Upon it was written in solid gold these words…,

“You are a poet, I am your pen, never lose faith in me again.”

 
6 Comments

Posted by on July 14, 2017 in poems

 

​SOME BIG SMALLTHINGS : THINGS I DO FOR LOVE

 There was this girl I really liked, back in college. We had made plans to meet for lunch. Her roommate dropped her off at the restaurantwe were supposed to meet. We had lunch and had a delightful conversation about worldly things. When it was time to leave, I told her that I could drop her back to her hostel on my motorbike. She was… is, a very joyful and charming lady, but had one flaw – she was very

practical about things. You see, the restaurant was at the center with her hostel and mine being on opposite sides. So in her words, “It

doesn’t make any sense for you to go that way and double back to your hostel” Like all men my age, who fought tooth and nail with their fathers to get the bike that they wanted, I didn’t mind driving a few extra miles even in the absence of a gorgeous pillion as

she. With her – I could go 500 miles, and I could go 500 more…

For once though (may be just for kicks) luck was on my side. A strike was declared that day

for all public transportation, which we knew nothing about. She tried hailing a couple ofautos (for the uninitiated, autos are just like

cabs, but on three wheels, with built in vibrators under each seat, and have a licence to thrill on Indian roads). None of the auto drivers were willing to drive,

owing to the strike. A single one who did agree to drive, was charging 4x the usual fare. I told

her, “It doesn’t make sense to spend so much money… You’ll just be encouraging them to exploit others”.

She pointed at one auto that stood a little ahead on the road, and said “Tell you what? If That guy agrees to drive for 2x the fare or below, I’ll take it. Otherwise, you can drive me to the hostel.”

We walked up to the auto and she asked him, “How much would you charge for driving up to XYZ hostel?”

He said, “Rs. 80”.

The actual fare was around Rs 35 to Rs 40. He was cutting it close on the 2x criteria. While she was debating whether to take the

auto or not, I panicked. I took out a 100 rupee note, and told the auto driver, “I’ll give you 100 bucks not to drive her.”

The auto driver was quite sharp. He didn’t waste time in asking stupid questions, like “Why?”. He just snatched the note out of my

hand, and drove away. She turned to me and said, “Why the hell did

you do that for?”

I gave a sheepish grin, “I just felt like driving you back.”

By this time she had started punching me, “You’re insane! And stupid! And insane! You could have just said so! What about all that

talk of not encouraging them to exploit others?

You could have donated that money to a good cause!”

I took the fact that she was walking towards my bike and not walking away from me as a good sign, and replied “I did donate it for a good cause.” She caught my grin, and returned a goofy laugh, “You’re insane!”

 
4 Comments

Posted by on July 13, 2017 in Short Fiction

 
 
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